me: it’s weird how you follow me to the bathroom
dog: it’s weird how you follow *me* to the bathroom
You Might Also Like
I just broke two of my dad’s old Queen Records. Now I want to break three.
me: i can’t believe you cheated on me
him: phew! I was worried you’d believe it
{4 turtles are stuck on their backs.}
Cop: What’s going on here?
Me: Snow angel contest for free pizza.
Cop: …Who’s winning?
Me: Shredder.
*puts on winter boots*
*trudges through newly fallen legos*
can’t believe how far my ex is going to make me jealous. moving away, not talking to me for 10 years, getting married. nice try, idiot. it’s so obvious
My boyfriend calls me “babe” because “pig in the city” is such a mouthful to say.
Recently I discovered when changing sex positions, it’s better to make the Transformers sounds inside your head rather than vocalizing them.
Banana is the quietest snack
The average parent spends roughly 2.7 years of their life picking up crayons from under restaurant tables.
Have fun, but be careful. Your sister was vacuumed up last week, and yesterday your cousin was killed with a shoe.
– spider moms, probably
*buys box of donut holes*
I won’t eat anything that casts a shadow
INTERVIEWER: tell me about a time you refused to compromise
ME: no
*deletes your contact information*
Siri: Are you sure you really want to do that? You’ve already deleted and re-added this guy 17 times.
Aquaman is part fish, if you want to kill him just overfeed him.
Premarital counseling should be having the couple put together IKEA furniture with limited Wi-Fi connection. #weddingparty #romance
tinder girl: are you just copy and pasting your responses to other women?
me: lol you’re hilarious. i didn’t grow up in the area but love the music scene out here haha
If I close my eyes while my 3 year old pours her cereal I can hear the relaxing sound of thousands of Cheerios raining on the floor.
Holy shit. I just remembered I was in Twilight.
An umpire pulling out a small broom and sweeping his date’s chair before she sits down.
HOT LOCAL SINGLES WANT TO MEET YOU SO THEIR FELONIOUS BOYFRIENDS CAN STEAL YOUR I-PHONE
friend: i would kill for a burrito right now
me: *who really really hates his coworker randal* interesting. tell me more
just weaponized “with all due respect” at my condo board. and now we wait.
Accidentally took an adderall instead of an anti-depressant now I’m SUPER focused on my depression.
[my funeral]
priest: we are all going to miss, uh… *snaps finger* you know.. *glances at my wife*
wife: *turns to my mom*
mom: Greg? I feel like it was something close to Greg.
If someone tells you pick a card, any card take their Visa.
American cheese is just regular cheese that’s not afraid to fight for freedom! Also, it’s fatter than the other cheeses. And more racist.
I carpool with a guy & we have officially run out of things to talk about. Today he commented on how well-made the road was. I agreed.
You’re never gonna believe this but Ben Carson’s full name is Benghazi Carsonofsatan
[making yellowjackets]
Angel: These things don’t really do anything other than sting people
God: We’re running out of college mascots