Friend: Where do you get your sense of humor?
Me: My dad. But don’t say that to him.
F: Why not?
Me: He gets really mad.
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Most guys that think they know everything about women usually lack one thing…. A woman.
Yes I have strong principles, no they do not guide my behavior in any way. And that’s Valid.
The only indoor security camera that I have is inside my fridge, I want to capture the face of whoever steals my cheesecake.
rich people: be like me, invest in stocks
also rich people: no not like that
Captain: *opens treasure chest* Arrgh! It be just a mirror!
First Mate: Look closely, Cap’n
Captain: *studies* The treasure… is me?
Crew: Happy Birthday, Cap’n!
Captain: *sniff* Yarrr
I rode in the back seat with my baby until she was big enough for a front-facing seat because she cried not being able to see me.
It made it hard to drive but the peace and quiet were worth it.
Me:
How’s that chicken babe, too spicy?12:
Its not really spicy..Except on the way out
Nice try “Enjoy By” date on bag of broccoli, nice try.
A thoughtful Romcom about mansplaining called “Well, Actually”
*pulls the dryer sheet off my pants*
Ok, weigh me now.
the boss has a new hairpiece and i’m trying real hard not to laugh
All this construction in my area makes me realize how many weapons are just randomly lying around.
I hate when I think someone’s funny, and then they tweet a joke I saw on a baby onesie advertised on instagram. you tricked me
I don’t have jealousy issues, but I do have “flirt with my boyfriend one more time and I may have to cut you” issues.
“Fluffy died today”
“Oh my god I’m so sorry, was he a cat or dog?
“He was a boa constrictor”
“Well that made me feel better”
The calories of the third sandwich don’t count of the first two were delicious
Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.
they say the average adult has sex 54 times a year. November and December are apparently going to be awesome
The way I see it, your dress automatically has two pockets as long as you’re wearing a bra.
I was raised by a single mother who worked 60 hours a week. Today I was too lazy to eat a mango.
Barbie gone wild
Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love’s sweet ki–
Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes
I’ve made friends on Twitter I never would’ve met in real life, and I wouldn’t trade them for anything less than $200.
I asked my kid to sweep the floor and she said “Okay, but only if I can mop too”, so now I need to figure out whose baby I accidentally took home from the hospital
Today (Sept. 17) is international Batman day!
#BatmanDay #webcomic #Weird
who called it pissing in the woods and not toiletrees
Care for your back
I’m a human alarm clock so when I wake up this early for no reason, I punch myself in the face to turn myself off.
How can my wife’s hands not open a jar of pickles in the day, but become superhuman vice-grips at night when I want some covers?
Bury me with thousands of bottle caps so whoever finds me 2000 years from now really freaks out