Stop staring at my chest dude,
It’s like you’ve never seen ‘dual pocket snack holders’ before.
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no i don’t want to allow notifications from your online publication. no one HAS ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication and no one WILL ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication. weirdass
Letting your friend have the last mozzarella stick is the ultimate snackrifice
Screenwriting:
ACT ONE: What’s their deal?
ACT TWO: This wasn’t the deal, now let’s see how they deal.
ACT THREE: They’re a whole new deal.
[first date]
“Tell me two interesting things about yourself”
well I lie when I’m nervous…
“ok…”
and I invented oatmeal
Diving is a sport cuz some people are really good at jumping into water.
who called them poets and not rhyme machines?
The other guy on this cliff screaming at the sky just threw his wedding ring over which makes me feel less bad about losing my kite.
I’m sitting here watching this married couple argue in this restaurant. Then their 8 year old says “oh great, dinner and a show.” Priceless.
Run yourself luxurious baths, while you’re still young and fit to climb in and out!
sometimes I wonder if it’s possible to be TOO happy, then I remember that it’s not possible to be TOO stoned, so the answer is: banana
my wife: we have to wear what we died in for eternity!?
st. peter: that’s right
me: [from the back end of our horse costume] what’d he say
Wife: Wow, I’m tired
Me: Go relax, give me the recipe and I’ll make dinner
[Five minutes later]
Me: Honey, I think we’re out of…”oven”?
Officer, if I can’t stand in the shoulder of the road, screaming and crying, then maybe they shouldn’t call it the breakdown lane.
I hate to brag but I’ve been the biggest mistake of numerous people’s lives.
Me: *getting off the couch*
I’ll be right back.Dog: I would really feel more comfortable if we went together.
Imagine if we were like cows and horses and when we gave birth our baby would immediately stand up and start running around the hospital and the doctors would have to catch them and round them up in a baby pen
Once in your life, you’ll come across a special person that makes you think the prison food will be worth it.
All these silly debates on social media are all a ploy to distract you from the fact that they are moving public urinals closer together everyday.
My daughter asked me to play Highway to Hell by AC/DC because I was driving them to school. Parenting win I guess.
Both my wife and I work from home. She treats me as a colleague despite us doing completely different roles in very different industries. She keeps bouncing ideas off me to which I nod along helpfully. No idea what she’s talking about.
“Asparagus!!!” – italian guy named Gus pleading for his life
Me: I just want to swaddle you in a baby blanket and rock you to sleep.
Son: Can you just say bye to me like a normal mom?
Me: *grabs his head and rubs it like a crystal ball* the spirits say no.
who else gets a little disappointed when the emergency broadcast test isn’t an actual emergency? it’s like, hurry up already aliens
“Moo.”
– hipster sheep
I missed your birthday because I didn’t log onto Facebook that day. #LetsBeReal
I was in the grocery store when Vogue came on, and while nobody could keep up with my choreography, security did let me finish the routine.
Me: School starts in a few days.
7-year-old: Not if you can’t find me.
I’m so frustrated at work I’m thinking about eating my Doritos without washing my hands first… or after
You learn early in life not to play around in your mom’s purse. Especially things that look like a little can of silly string.
The mace stays in your lungs and eyes for life.