beauty fades, drunken texts at 2am are forever
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Airbud was on a human basketball team. I want to see a human running as a dog on a sled dog team.
I want to name my daughter Katie but that spelling is too common so I’ll spell it Potassiumatie.
KANYE: I made Taylor Swift famous
TRUMP: We should ban all Muslims
KANYE: BILL COSBY INNOCENT
TRUMP: THE POPE SUCKS
KANYE: damn ur good
I have a spot on my glasses but nothing to clean the lens with so I’m learning not to see it. So…pretty much how I deal with all my problems.
Why would a married man buy a hearing aid?
Warning:
This movie contains “Adult Themes” such as interest rates, bad knees, back pain, and excitement about going to bed early.
Interviewer: so tell me your strengths
Me: conducting interviews
Interviewer: *narrows eyes*
Me: so tell me your weaknesses
Interviewer: *starts sweating*
FOUND: 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED RATS LIVING IN LOCAL DUMPSTER.
PLEASE CONTACT IF YOUR 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED PET RATS ARE MISSING.
I’ll have a whiskey.
“On The Rock?”
Yeah, the rocks—wait, what?
[You look up at a smiling Dwayne Johnson]
“This one’s free, buddy.”
I don’t think Nyquil knows what cherries taste like!
What base is it when he says, “Stop calling me. We broke up three years ago”?
I swear, even my ex lasted longer than my phone battery does.
Hear me out. A new princess that repels mosquitoes…Citronella.
Walt Disney:
I prefer the term busy professional, thank you.
*plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth* are you theriouthly breaking up wiff me??
I once dated guy who talked so much about his ex-wife that I broke up with him and started dating her.
Freezing bananas before they go bad is a great tip I learned 6 months ago. Now I have a freezer full of bananas
I really was gonna jog at the park today….but I just found an empty park bench so I’ll just have a few smokes and cheer the joggers on.
Not even a lifetime of watching horror movies will prepare you for the 1st time your baby says “hi” and waves to the empty corner of a room.
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: one more
me: *click*
ceiling fan: jk. was off. now back on and faster than ever!
I don’t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her
Goth karate is easy because you already start off with a black belt.
@funTweeters I dig it! Thank you
[i arrive in hell]
Satan: welcome
Me: thanks what’s with the fork lol
Satan: it’s a pitchfork shut up
Me: ooo i’m so scared what are u gonna do eat a big salad lmao
Satan:
Me:
Satan:
[i arrive in super hell]
MAN: [having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
MAN: [faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh sorry! Doctor, are you ok?!
I feel bad for women who say finding true love is the best experience in life. They’ve obviously never found their bra size on clearance.
My wife bought me Costco underwear which I assume is the final line of defense against another woman wanting to have sex with me
Can’t believe New Zealand are introducing a new flag just as I finished memorising the old one.
“Owen, you must hide this baby, at all costs, from Anakin Skywalker.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“Seems fine.”
Well, son, when a man loves a woman very much he expresses that love by slowly transforming into a human sloth.