hitman: *assassinates banana* oh wait this is my shopping list
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If two pieces of pizza share the same pepperoni that is one piece of pizza. Don’t let anybody tell you differently
showing a photo of a healthy guy to my doctor like i’d show the barber a picture of a haircut
Who called it oatmeal-raisin instead of a misfortune cookie?
There’s no need to use military time with me. I’m pretty sure I won’t show up for the pizza party at 5 am, ya nerd.
I like to shit with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.
ME: Whats the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled?
WIFE: Cooler
ME: *lights cigarette and runs my fingers through my hair* What’s the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled, babe?
*packs 12 books to read on vacation*
im gona read so much i cant wait
[1 wk later]
*opens suitcase*
*somhow has 16 unread books now*
wat the
my kids: how many reese’s pb cups did you eat?
me: *picturing the 7 reese’s cups joining together as a mega-cup in my stomach* ….one
My wife tricked me into looking at her to-do list by leaving it on the kitchen counter inside a Victoria’s Secret bag.
Very few people will notice the possum in this picture because they’re so good at hiding
Me: *joins a throw pillow of the month club*
Husband: *cries*
I asked which vaccine she got💀💀💀
Me: *sits still 90% of my day by choice* This is nice.
Also me: *stuck in traffic* You mean I just have to SIT here?!’
God: [creating Guy Fieri] “Hand me a head.”
Angel: We’re out of human heads.
God: “Hand me a pineapple.”
me: can you calm down
The Leg Bounce™: I literally cannot
I just bought a couple of Christmas presents and got a text from my bank like, “Bro, what are you doing?”
I would just once like to feel as powerful as a toddler throwing their sippy cup whilst sitting atop their high chair
Don’t act like you miss sex now, you weren’t getting laid before either.
Me: *successfully puts out fire* Did I pass?
Cooking instructor: No.
*if I had the Infinity Gauntlet*
*in the kitchen, tappin’ to the music, snappin’ to the mu-
ope
What if death gives you lemons?
What then??
*i drop my pen at work*
Guy who backpacked around Europe: that reminds me of this little village in the north of Romania
[Apple meeting]
We need an honest iPhone 6 slogan.
“How about, iPhone 6: Yesterday’s technology at tomorrow’s prices.”
Too honest, Carl.
I stood on the scale with one leg in the air and still weighed the same wtf.
everyone calm down they’re just doing a test run of the rapture
I have the ‘Luck of the Irish!’ Unfortunately it’s the ‘Great Potato Famine’ era ‘Luck of the Irish’.
Part of fatherhood is becoming an expert in some obscure topic and teaching it to your children who stopped listening 30 minutes ago.
This is amazing.
[God creating bees]
GOD: make some of them fuzzy
ANGEL: thats good
G: make them sting
A: okay
G: and let’s give them teeth!
A: too far
[FBI raid]
Pig gangster: “Who squealed?”