[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
You Might Also Like
I only keep Facebook for the birthday reminders and to randomly unfriend people so they wonder what they did wrong.
Forgot I started my stopwatch. It’s now been 139:27.05 since I wondered how long it takes me to run five miles.
No regrets in 2018
This seems like a really, really bad idea.
*jumps in with both feet*
There’s 2 types of people in this world, people who give 110%, and the people who passed 4th grade math.
I thought my pores were finally getting smaller, but it turns out my eyes were just getting worse.
How it started: How it’s going:
[first day as a dentist] *encounters tongue* huh. this isn’t teeth
I don’t need TV dramas, I just need Amazon product reviews
Watching “Poltergeist” as a kid was scary af.
Adult me: Is all that covered under homeowners?
If you ring my doorbell I’ll look through the camera, if you don’t have a pizza or donut box I’m not opening the door.
ok kids, this is a smoke detector, if you hear it beeping change the battery, if it’s still beeping, check to see if ur on fire
[eating something that until 40 years ago was considered a once-in-a-lifetime delicacy only fit for royalty]
Me: it’s a little cold 😤
writer: ok so a guy and girl named jack and jill
editor: ugh 2 lame white kid names. fine, go on
writer: well, they go up a hill
editor: i’m already bored
writer: to fetch a pail of water
editor: kill me
writer: no trust me it gets better
if you drive a shitbox you know the code.. don’t talk smack about the shitbox or the shitbox will remind you quick who’s in charge of the situation
Hot hot hot 🥵
Me: I’m here to collect my pre-demon.
Lady: Sir, at this animal shelter, we call them kittens.
If you’re creepy and you know it ~~~> buy a van
[ first date ]
her: i want a partner that can open my heart
me: well i am a surge-
her: and never do anything to shock me
me: protector
Seas the day!!!!
Im on my burner commenting “thank you for normalizing nose hair !” on his girlfriends tiktoks
We had a ninja competition tonight but we don’t know if anyone showed up.
[inventing oatmeal]
make sure it never comes out of the bowl once it dries
Let’s walk and talk.
You go that way.
I’m not a liar. I have an English degree; I’m an unreliable narrator.
WIFE: no no no I loved your vows I just thought you could’ve used the word ‘bloodthirsty’ a little less
A protected acct with 0 followers just followed me. Mom, is that you?
Every Independence Day I get a little bit disappointed when aliens don’t try to take over the world.
me trying to get a bartender’s attention