12yo: My friend has 2 tiktok accounts.
Me: One is for her mom to follow and the other is for her friends to follow.
12yo: Kids do that?
Me:
12yo:
Me: No.
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Kate Middleton is in between Kate Lefton and Kate Righton.
McD’s drive thru: Welcome back.
Me: Welcome back? That’s pretty presumptuous.
MDT: …
M: …
MDT: The usual?
Me: Yeah. Thanks Brenda.
Him: Are you always this socially awkward?
Me: Only when I’m in my human form.
Him: So always.
Wait wait wait wait wait wait wait…
What if giving up is overrated?
Just went through a month of transactions on my bank account because someone has been spending my money… and lo and behold – it was me
[bartender hands lady drink] courtesy of the gentleman down there
[she takes a sip] is this –
[me from the end of the bar] IT’S MILK
*Door creaks open*
*Faces lean in*Wife: They need more lunch money.
9: And money for the book fair.
17: And gas money.
13: And can you sign this permission slip?Me, from the commode: Guys… can any of this wait ten minutes?
If you’re having a bad day, just remember someone is dating your ex and thinking they got lucky 😂
my wife: we have to wear what we died in for eternity!?
st. peter: that’s right
me: [from the back end of our horse costume] what’d he say
My wife was annoyed because the fridge was beeping, I’d left the door open to long while looking, in my defense I couldn’t find my keys anywhere else.
Responding to my friends being honest: “Man, I appreciate you.”
Responding to my kids being honest: “Man, can’t you lie about lunch being good just for today??”
Anakin: …is it possible to learn this power?
Palpatine: *grins* not from a Jedi. Which is why I use SkillShare. SkillShare is an online learning community where you can learn—and teach—just about anything. Get two months of Skillshare Premium for free with coupon code “SHEEV”
PSA: If your kid bumps into me one more time with your shopping cart I will unhinge my jaw and swallow him whole.
*my casket slowly begins lowering into the ground*
me, knocking from inside: “Wait, I have to pee.”
Some coworkers reheated lunch smells like it’s about to go missing in my stomach.
She died as she lived—cursing while stirring a jar of natural peanut butter.
ME: Hmm. My biggest weakness? Tough question. I guess some people say I’m delusional
UBER DRIVER: I didn’t say anything
Maybe i’m not naked, maybe my pants are just invisible?
A drop of roof water hit my face and I reacted like it was liquid herpes.
Police found the neighbourhood paedophile shot in the head 27 times. Authorities ruled it the worst case of suicide in a decade.
I started to clean house this evening, but my cat talked me into taking a nap.
It has been scientifically proven that any woman can be satisfied with only 3 1/2 inches — and it doesn’t matter if it is Visa or MasterCard
Go to a doctor?
When there’s all this free advice on the internet?
ME: I need a new phone, this one got wet
VERIZON: How’d you get it wet
ME: I talked dirty to it
HIM: ……
ME: Water asshole. How else?
Pizza shop said they loved unusual requests so I asked if they could find my dad.
Me: Wake up
5-year-old:
Me: We’re late
5:
Me: The house is on fire
5:
Me: Your sister touched your stuff
5: *barrel rolls out of bed*
INTERVIEWER: nice to meet you, why don’t you have a seat
ME: omg was I supposed to bring one
God: I am the father of humanity.
Human: *changes climate*
God: DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT!
me: *responds maybe to a fb event*
wife: [from the other room] YOU’RE GOING TO OUR SON’S BIRTHDAY
“Doc, it’s embarrassing, but I don’t feel sexy.”
“Try wearing the wife’s panties.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, the red ones with the lace are nice”