You can’t hurt me. You’re not a disappointing sandwich.
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Going to the beach the day after watching Jaws hits different.
High definition is like regular definition but it’s slightly paranoid and working on its second bag of Doritos.
*accidentally uses flash while trying to take pic of funny looking person on the bus*
…
*makes distant thunder noises with mouth*
Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved
My mom shared an old picture of my brother and I on FB today. Wanted to make sure Debbie knew what was up.
I’m starting to worry about my husband’s eyesight. He can’t seem to see that the cutlery drawer is divided into sections.
Father’s Day tip: Your Dad is busy this weekend.
Cop: Where were you at the time of the murder?
Me: I’d trapped myself in a Tupperware container
Cop: Damn, that’s an air tight alibi
Bird seed is amazing. I sprinkled some on the garden and when I checked 10 minutes later lots of new little birds had already sprung up.
restaurant
Waiter: Your coffeeMe: Could I have a little spoon please?
Waiter: Certainly
*delicately embraces me from behind*Me: lovely
Just called the number of a guy I met last night and a pizza place answered. I didn’t even know you could live in pizza places. I’m in love!
Me: You can be anything you want to be buddy, just work hard.
3: Imma be a lamp.
Me: I’m done talking to you for now.
*slips seductively out of shorts*
You know what that means…
*sleeps soundly for 7 hours*
*drools a little*
“I didn’t want to come to your party.” – gift cards
My 4 YO pointed out that we put socks on during the day and take them off at night and that means our feet are nocturnal
My wife said something about being interested in swinging, so last night I did a 55 minute PowerPoint presentation on all the info I found online.
Her: how about you just fix the kids swing in the backyard like I asked
Sometimes I say something so embarrassing I even impress myself.
Not really sure why I have a Google Home, it’s only inadvertently used by people on my TV.
After my virtual doctors appointment I had a nap so good that I forgot I was in Vegas, woke up, and scared the shit outta myself.
Look, if I offer you a bite of my calamari, you’re bound to offer me a bite of your food. Legally, it’s known as Squid Pro Quo.
I startled a mom and her kids in the Back To School aisle today at work.
I came around the corner and yelled SUPPLIES!
“I love my Job!” -Job’s wife
While doing her history homework, my daughter asked me what I knew about Galileo.
I said, he’s just a poor boy from a poor family.
Reasons to carry a handkerchief:
3) You’ve never heard of tissues
2) You’re doing a magic trick
1) You’re hiding your face to rob a train
[in the bedroom]
Husband: Close your eyes. I’m going to do something you’re really going to enjoy.
Me: Okay.
H: *takes the kids and leaves for the day*
Instead of being frustrated that you only have a 140 character limit just be thankful that I do.
They grow up so quick
I like to play fetch with my cat….which, you know, is just me throwing stuff, followed by disappointment.
I nominate Chris Brown to dump a bucket of boiling hot water on himself & to raise awareness for domestic violence.