this guy on tiktok rated emergency alarm sounds from different countries and there’s no reason it should be this funny 💀
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I’m trying to eliminate negativity from my life so Monday’s will now be Taco Tuesday eve until further notice
If my landlord would just take cat hair instead of money, I could pay for the whole year upfront.
Adoption Agency: it takes a village to raise a child
Hamlet: feels discriminatory but ok
i just took the price tag off of a gift i will be giving to my cat
Texting you back right away doesn’t make me a psycho.
What makes me a pyscho is watching you through your window while petting your cat.
I told my sons that we used to have to ask girls out and even break up face to face and the look of horror on their faces was priceless.
thank god Hinge doesn’t do a year end wrapped. I would have to walk into the sea with pockets full of stones
True
When I was just a little girl, I asked my mother what will I be. Will I be pretty, will I be rich? Here’s what she said to me:
GO TO SLEEP.
saw a guy at the airport taking a parrot in a cage on board and it’s like bro, why you spending extra money, it can meet you there
Amish sext: I’m wearing that drab, full length nightgown that you bought for me at Ezekiel’s Secret.
I like to play this game called “How busy I can I pretend to look when my boss walks by my desk.”
[post sex interview]
reporter: what went wrong out there
me: well, i shouldn’t have yelled “holy moly” when i came
Asking my boyfriend if he’d still love me if I was one of those weird aliens that drank coffee and babbled angrily at Men in Black passing by
I’m just a mom, standing in front of my husband, trying to say something that I can no longer remember cause my kid interrupted us 75 times.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of relaxing during weeknights we can go to seven practices and relearn algebra.
*calls out under the bed
Me: Are you still there?
Monster: Nope. Go to sleep.
My company does this icebreaker thing where every week a different person sends an email to the whole company talking about their average day, and today’s coworker started his “I wake up each day furious to be laboring under capitalism” and it has caused quite a stir.
i just went through my sons belongings and i think he might be cheating at chess
Me: *stumbles in front of boss at work*
Boss: haha have a nice trip, see you in the fall
Me: *takes 8 month vacation*
For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair
*eats way too much delicious space pudding*
Me: Oof I am STUFFED! What’d you call this again?
Alien Chef: OH MY GOD YOU ATE MY GRANDMOTHER!
“I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? ’cause I smell carrots…”
~ Snowmen.
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
As a copywriter, I’ve noticed more people are using ‘whilst’ instead of ‘while.’ WHILE you can use either, WHILST is formal so it always sounds pompous and full of shit. Would you say WHOMST? No you WOULDST NOT.
My husband and I are bonding over how much we hate our marriage therapist, so I think it’s working?
C’mon, dude. Man up and ask her if she likes me.
[Ghost flies in while I’m changing my top]
GHOST: Booooooo-OH sorry
ME: It’s fine, go on
GHOST: [shielding eyes] No I’ll come back later
something like this could probably happen to anyone