Winning an argument on Twitter is the same as being rich in Monopoly.
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i’d give up everything to be a small anthropomorphic woodland animal wearing victorian clothes living in a little house in a meadow and my neighbour is a goose wearing a bonnet and my only worry is will my apple pie be ready for when mrs owl comes visit me for tea time
My dog is never excited if I’m the first one down the stairs in the morning. It’s all just panic and accusations.
“Oh no, where’s Mommy? Is Mommy gone? What have you done with Mommy?”
No wonder chickens can’t fly
STOP EATING THEIR WINGS
they’re trying to stop me from entering the movie theater with my spoon and a half a watermelon.
Horrifically awaiting the day all the shampoo bottles in my shower decide to squeeze me back.
Psychiatrist is just a fancy word for mood critic.
if you ever see me shirtless, galloping past you majestically on horseback, call an ambulance because i don’t know what i’m doing
Dating Tips.
C all her 69 times a day.
R ing her doorbell and hide.
E avesdrop by phone tapping.
E ye her bffs.
P oke her on FB.
I’ve never done a tweet call. But today is my 33rd birthday and I hit 600 followers yesterday after being on this website for 9 years. But I actually enjoy Twitter these days and would love nothing more for my birthday than your funniest tweets. No theme. Just funny. Cheers!
I hate when I give people nicknames like “stupid face” on my phone and I cant remember who the stupid face is.
Discuss
He leans in, looks into my eyes, and lowers the lights. I go in for the kiss.
And now I’m being escorted out of the opticians.
Sometimes hanging around with kids makes me feel like a superhero.
“Uncle Denny I can’t open this beer can you help me?”
Haha sure thing kiddo
[pronounces modeling like yodeling]
Cats love it when you give them a mohawk
I’ll smash someone’s car window on a hot day if I see they’ve left a chocolate bar melting inside.
It’s password awareness Friday.
Today I offer free consulting.
Send me a password and I tell you if it’s strong.
MAGICIAN: Now the woman is in the box, I will saw her in half!
EVERYONE: *gasps*
ME *whispers to wife* ok you were right, a magician at a funeral is weird
The kids complained that I was making them run laps around the house for exercise, so now they’re running laps with a vacuum cleaner.
Love when strangers try to fact check your personal tweets, like why would i lie about throwing up, Kevin? lol.
This is my bus stop.
Me: I need a new jar of thyme
Teenage son: it’s called an hourglass
i can’t stop writing holiday rom com synopses so i guess i’ll just continue doing it until my hands fall off
I bought my friend a fridge for their birthday. You should’ve seen their face light up when they opened it.
Review of “grandma”: slow, slow-witted, terrified of technology, can’t bench for shit, no karate, basically racist ★☆☆☆☆
“boys are only interested in one thing” yes and that thing is artisanal olive oils
Sorry for nicking your car w/my door, but you didn’t leave much room. It’s small, but I circled it with my key so you could find it.
I fired myself from cleaning my own house. I didn’t like my attitude, and I got caught drinking on the job.
I’m always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank