Cats always look like they have been on the phone with customer service for 3.5 hours and god dammit don’t you dare transfer me to another department Sharon
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[Ex-hot dog vendor, first day as a surgeon]
Me: Nurse, my good tongs, and 3 units of ketchup, STAT
Nurse: *just staring at my paper hat*
Hubs: Is that the same oreo as before?
3yo: No.
Hubs: Is that a new one?
3yo: Yes.
Hubs: Are you hiding them around the house?
3yo: …Yes.
i hope i didn’t end up marrying the smelly kid in school like my husband did
You never see baby pigeons because pigeons are cloned by the government. Next question.
When you have a clap light in your bedroom, rough sex also becomes a rave.
Banned from Yelp for including “the rat seems to be vulnerable to attacks from behind or when adjusting mask” in my Chuck E Cheese review
Star Wars spoiler:
Leia is Han’s father
The awkward part of having the 10 Commandments displayed in US courthouses is realizing that 8 of them are pretty much legal here.
Thoughts and prayers for my five year old who just found onion in her onion rings
Six feet under.
– Yoda, explaining why he was turned away from riding the roller coaster
With all the ghosting these days you’d think there’d be more documented ectoplasmic incidents.
Why is “you’re a peach” a compliment but “you’re bananas” is an insult? Why do we allow such fruit discrimination?
In hindsight I spent far too much time and money on gifts considering that my 6yo spent all of Christmas night playing with an electric toothbrush
Me, 1st time in a corn maze: This is scary and stupid. Let’s go. Where’s the map.
Husband: I gave it to her.
Me: To the FIVE YEAR OLD?
8: Yeah. She had it, but she threw it at the Corn Man we saw.
5: And then he ate it.
The “bangles to politicians” insult says “come be weak like women because the weak wear bangles”. No thanks, “self-proclaimed real men”.
Her: you look better without your glasses
Me: oh thanks! You look better without my glasses too!
Bruce Willis in Starbucks. he gives his name as “not Bruce Willis” and when they call him he grabs his coffee and runs away giggling
Albus pretended it didn’t bother him, but late at night, he wept in his chambers. He hated when the students called him “Dumblefag.”
So a baby crawls across the floor to its bottle and it’s cute but when I do it I’m “in need of an intervention”?
Me ( handing a student a work packet mom requested): So where are you going next week?
6yo: Mario World
Me: Oh, I’ve never been there before.
6yo: Yeah, but we don’t have room in the car.
We all started out as eggs here.
Apparently, some just end up cracking.
If a lion ever bites off your arm, try to chew some of his hair off before you run away. He deserves to look stupid until it grows back.
Today I’m approaching teens dressed like I’m from the future, locking eyes, and saying “Happy Presidents Day, sir” with a wink
Journalists stuck in 1970’s Belfast absolutely hating it
My ability to attract girls has increased exponentially since I started my new hobby ‘crying whilst pushing round an empty stroller’
they should make stand up horror. i’m tired of laughing, i wanna scream at a bar
There are two wolves inside you
webmd: wolf cancer
If she says “I’m fine” that means she’s fine and you can keep playing Xbox
7: I’m beating you!
Me: Ok.
7: I’m way ahead!
Me: I see that.
7: I’m gonna win!
Me:….
My son on the carousel horse in front of me.
do I have to register a drone if I only plan to use it to see where I left a cup of water without getting out of bed?