[Chopped episode]
“In your baskets is a box of spaghetti olives fried chicken mozzarella cheese tomatoes and a package of Oreos.”
Me *opening Oreos*
“Clock hasn’t started.”
Me: There’s cookies.
“Those are for your dish.”
Me *munching*
There’s cookies.
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Celine DiOn
*claps twice*
Celine DiOff
I was offering free mammograms in the company parking lot long before my employer was doing it.
Fellas, stop putting rings in our food and let us eat our Crème Brûlée in peace.
American: We’re really not that gun-obsessed.
Brit: Where did you get that t-shirt.
American:
Brit:
American: FROM A CANNON BUT THAT’S NOT THE POINT
My kitchen overserved me.
Pain medication got me itching to operate heavy machinery in the dark
Brb my Sims are getting married
Where have you been all of my life and can you please go back there.
Her: you take nice selfies
Me: so I’m vain
Her: no you’re photogenic
Me: oh so I’m ugly in real life
Her: just say thanks
Me: oh so I’m rude
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
Anthropic principle: the universe must be as it is in order for us to perceive it
Anthropomorphic principle: look, I’m a talking principle!
If we are in a “do not laugh” situation, do not look over at me
Watching Mad Men with my girlfriend and trying to distract her every time Don Draper is on screen
Can we talk about your pleated, cuffed corduroys, or are we just going to let it happen?
Meet me in the bedroom.. bring the gravy boat.
Don’t make this weird…
More like “wife is home” vs “wife’s not home”.
is there a place where we can lay down and eat cheese?
-first day at work, orientation question
The cashier told me to have a good Valentine’s Day like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
Opponent: I wish you luck
Me: Tha—
Opponent: But I also wish to suck the marrow from the bones of your defeated corpse.
Me, picks up ping pong paddle: okey dokey
Dog: I have mange
Baby Jesus: I have manger
Dog: It’s not a competition
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: why, what have you heard?
This doctor doesn’t know what he’s talking about. I’m pretty sure “Esophagus” is that hairy elephant on Sesame Street.
I never finish what I start. I have a black belt in partial arts.
*brings bucket of fried chicken in meeting*
*meeting starts*
*I eat each piece, crunching, licking my fingers*
*touches all the paper work*
I wanna see some BUTTS on da dance floor! ONLY butts. Detached from their owners, just kinda in a pile. In the middle. Nice. Good butt pile.
‘God given talent’ is a weird idea.
God: “Hmmm, I’ll give it to that kid and let the other millions work in data entry.”
Me: did you leave out the cookies for Santa?
My Kid: yes.
Me: and the milk?
My Kid: yup!
Me: and the waiver for Santa to sign holding us harmless in the event of food poisoning?
My Kid: (sigh) yes.
He was a meter boy, she said see you liter boy
alfred: you have lung cancer
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman:
alfred:
batman: *reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir, no