If you don’t believe nature abhors a vacuum, you should see how my dog reacts to the Roomba.
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911: Could you hide in the closet?
Me: yes oh God no, there’s no room!
911: Under the bed?
Me: I can’t fit!!
Son: Coming ready or not
Me: shit
911: shit
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: I’M RIPE NOW
Avocado: okay you were in the bathroom so I rotted
The irony is that if we had a vaccine against stupid, those who need it most wouldn’t get it.
When people ask if I was dropped on the head as a child, my mother’s face turns red and she changes the subject.
Time is said to be a great healer, which is presumably why the waiting lists are so long.
her: what do u do
me: [remembers girls like bad boys] i sell drugs
her: are u serious ??
me: [remembers girls like sensitive guys] to kids in need
Oh you’re an oscillating fan? Name three of their settings
Both her name and her living situation suggests that the dwarves MAY have been referring to Snow White when they sang, ‘high ho.’
Me: *Holding a door and hiding behind it*
Murderer: *walks through the door*
Me *passive aggressive*: YOU’RE WELCOME
I always wondered how Neapolitan ice cream was made…
Caught my son on an archaeology website looking at dirty pitchers.
Boss: You gonna get any work done today?
Me: Sorry Boss, I was up late watching the game, I’ll pick it up.
B: Who won?
M: Jack Daniels
ME REGULARLY: *uses the same 3 things at home*
ME PACKING FOR VACATION: I wonder if I’ll need 4 French horns or 5
A gentle reminder that all your panic buying will be going out of date soon. Enjoy your 36 egg omelette, you fat wankers.
I will never feel sorry for people who complain about getting screwed in their divorce.
Hell, I can’t even get screwed in my marriage.
Reduce your kids intake of sugary, fizzy drinks by shaking up the can before handing it to them.
Whey they go low, I go high*
*can’t bend over due to age
If you have ever spent an hour on Twitter then you understand why there’s such an urgency to create Artificial Intelligence.
Bee. The reason he needs an epi pen.
Handing out plastic easter eggs filled with baked beans for halloween this year.
How come Ex-Lax never has coupons for a “Big Blowout Sale”???
I’m gonna keep wearing a mask after this pandemic is over. I can’t go back to worrying about how my breath smells like Doritos and garlic and coffee.
I’ve had a bag of bolts on my desk for a week, and I can’t for the life of me remember what they’re for.
Me: This spaghetti is spicy.
Aquarium Employee: Did you just bite an electric eel
Thigh gap? Give me some corduroy pants and I’ll start a fire.
Who’s soul do I have to sell in order for my eyeliner to come out even on both eyes?
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
Twitter is the only place where you encourage strangers to follow you. What could possibly go wrong?
My wife has close friends whose husbands are notably worse than me and I highly recommend this arrangement
“Inflation isn’t new. Just imagine jacking up the price on items because you can and their location is convenient.”
*vending machines have entered the chat*