My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home. I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening! She laughed. I laughed. Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
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I have a type: disappointing
Darth Vader- Dark Lord
Ranger- park lord
Neighbor’s dog- bark lord
Marty Byrde- Ozark lord
Noah- ark lord
Twitter celebrity- checkmark lord
DEA chief- narc lord
Brandon- Stark lord
Sarah Silverman- snark lord
Mikhail Gorbachev- birthmark lord
Spring is here!
I got so excited I wet my plants!
8 yo was asked to sign a contract to agree to class rules at school. She said to the teacher, “It’s not a valid contract if I don’t have a choice.”
PRINCIPAL: Your father needs to speak to you urgently
SON: Oh my god what’s wrong
ME: I think your mother gave you my oreo thins by mistake
Thanks to feminine hygiene advertising, I expected my first period to come out blue.
Imagine my surprise when it was bright green.
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
I swear, my kids will make me drive them to my own funeral. And then to the mall.
Now that I’m 40, I’ve had to change my safe word to ‘my knees! my knees!’
“My god,” the explosives specialist says. “The bomb’s diffuser is hooked up to a ridiculously difficult sudoku that has to be solved in under 6 minutes!”
I slowly look up. My time has come…
Cute girl online: I have no idea how you’re single!
Me: Yeah I don’t know. They’re crazy I guess.
*eats ravioli out of the can with my keys*
Tried to update the Ryanair app but it downloaded on someone else’s phone 80 miles away.
I turned on my computer and it went “Word” and I was like “Yo”.
Me: After all these years, I think I’m still angry at my mother
Cat therapist: *swipes jar of pencils off desk* Have you ever tried peeing in her suitcase
[we arrive at the Pet Sematary]
Jud: we’ll rest here, but there’s a… a place further on, it’s got power
Me: how much further on
Jud: three miles
Me: *finger guns* no thank you
[I chuck my dead cat into the woods and go home]
She said she wanted to try spouse swapping. Next thing I know she’s trading me for a toaster.
My daughter, the world’s worst hider, asked me to play hide & seek. I counted to 20 and began a search that eclipsed 10 minutes. I was truly stumped, then I heard her playing in the backyard. “I thought you wanted to play hide & seek?” I asked. “Oh, yeah,” she said. “I forgot.”
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
[interview]
Where do you see yourself in the next 5 years?
Me: “OMG I’M NOT A PSYCHIC THE SIGN SAID NO SKILLS REQUIRED!”
as a british man you have to pick an obsessive hobby before age 31 or WW2 history is selected for you by default
In high school I was best known as “Hey what’s your friends name?”
me: can i please have some more?
bank teller: haha you’re gonna get me in trouble but ok ONE more fifty
When people tell me “You’re gonna regret that in the morning” I sleep in til noon, because I’m a problem Solver
If GMOs can make hundred pound tomatoes why don’t I have a pet teacup elephant yet?
People who say the Napster guy invented music piracy forget the time I stole my sister’s Violent Femmes CD when I was 13.
I’ve just had to reset my password to Delicate Luggage Handler as I was told it had to be case sensitive.
My bra randomly unhooked itself. Even it’s done with all this.
how about a movie where an old man teaches a kid karate with the ulterior motive for him to one day win a car waxing contest
I just got invited to a zoom baby naming ceremony. If I wasn’t a part of the baby making ceremony I don’t want to be a part of naming it.