What I lack in legs I make up for in forehead
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Me: When do we get to solve mysteries and explore haunted houses?
Gang member: *cocks gun*
Me: Ohhhh, this is a murder gang.
Buzzfeed’s 5 Worst Things About Peeing on a Live Power Cable: Number One May Shock You!
62% of marriage conversation is just
spouses stating “I never said that.”
Pacman: I feel like a woman trapped in a man’s body! I want the procedure, doc.
Dr.: Very well. Just relax..
*puts bow on Pacman’s head
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As I was being put under for my colonoscopy, I apparently announced to the room, “Y’all are in for a real treat” and then passed out. 😭😭😭
Whenever people say “don’t judge me” I like to imagine them in the weird wigs British judges wear.
*whispers*
Judged you.
Can’t believe my dog just ran into Petco and left me in the car with the windows rolled up
I’m going to change the Wi-Fi password as soon as I hear someone complain they’re bored this summer
You ever look someone in the eyes and it’s just blank? Like, you can see right into the filing cabinet of their brain and all the drawers are empty
I had to quit jogging because I kept dropping my hotdog.
I just tried a keto friendly cereal. I think tomorrow I’ll just eat my cabinets.
Just failed a captcha test. Hell of a way to discover you’re a robot
What was the first thing you remember seeing on TV that made you cry? (I mean a scripted show, not a news report.)
Boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go.
Me: Really? That’s not what these pics of you and your secretary said. They said I need a raise.
Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but science says it’s under the couch in the other room.
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
No point crayon over spilled milk.
1) Put index and thumb together.
2) Place them where nose meets forehead.
3) Close eyes.
4) Sigh.
5) Check to see if person still talking.
Glad my new mirror came w this manual. Let me see how this works.
*points at houseplant*
no, YOU have a drinking problem!!
My oldest kid, watching Shrek again, but now being old enough to understand more of the jokes…
Dear 6-year-old me: As an adult you won’t need to know cursive but you will need an ability to type with your thumbs. The future is weird.
Meteorologists are always good looking because we won’t stand for being lied to by ugly people
Guys who resent their friends for not sharing their hair products are gel less.
Mad at your man? Five minutes before he gets home, turn on “Pitch Perfect” then hide the remote in the dishwasher.
If everyone who told me that I should be successful gave me $2, then I would be.
I don’t blame sharks. If someone walked into my house and started splashing around in my bath, I’d bite their leg off too.
Her: Have we been to that restaurant?
Me: hmm damn I’m not sure.
Her: It’s cute how you cross your arms when you’re thinking. Also, please put your hands on the steering wheel, you’re going 84.
monster under my bed: I’m gonna eat you
me: [pulls covers over head] your move