MY GIRLFRIEND: Did you see that?? Those fireworks made that skywriter hit that hot-air balloon!
ME: Oh my God! What kind of lunatic is responsible for this?? Oh hey, incidentally, will you marry me?
You Might Also Like
The last 3 minutes of any podcast could all be confessions to murder and we’d never know
I walk in the kitchen and see a note on the refrigerator. “The kids and I are leaving you. I want a divorce.” Shocked, I break down in tears, wondering where it all went wrong. The husband is crying too, at which point I realize I’m in the wrong house.
Burger King is preparing to introduce a new turkey burger. Pigeons are beginning to disappear.
Why let people drive you crazy when you know it’s in walking distance?
To provide better customer service, we’ve put a chat bot on our site to make sure you’re hung in an infinite loop without solving the problem, buried our phone number, & staffed our phone lines with people who follow a notebook flow chart before dropping your call
–companies
[waterloo]
napoleon: wow. that was really embarrassing
general: yea
napoleon: hope nobody writes a song about this
The number of Piña coladas I drank on vacation is this (my daughter doesn’t want to cruise with me again) many.
Wait, so when couples are in custody battles it’s to KEEP the kids? #WTF
If anyone deserves an Oscar, it’s me for nodding and pretending to understand the directions you’re explaining to me when I know I’m going to use Google Maps regardless
today my wife said “guess who i saw in costco today?” then made me guess for like 10 min and when i didnt guess it was like “remember that super tan lady we saw walking down the street last week..” thats who she thought i might guess. a lady we dont even know that we saw one time
You know that chick who said, “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels?”…
Yeah, well I ate her.
Peeing in the dark like some kind of pilgrim because you’re at someone else’s house and can’t find the light switch
DATING IN THE 1800s
1) Get telegram from Mae
2) Wait to respond. Don’t be desperate
3) Get telegram that Mae died of dysentery while waiting
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: goodnight
me: goodnight stars 🙂
stars: goodnight
me: goodnight planetarium security guard 🙂
security guard: how the hell did you get in here
[looking disappointed at the playboy mansion]
i was told there’d be bunnies
When my middle school English teacher didn’t know the word “anecdote,” it became my first successful field test of discretion vs. valor.
We should be able to pick our zodiac sign, like choosing your piece in Monopoly: “Nope I’m not playing today unless I can be the crab or the lion”
Reasons to bake a cake after the kids go to bed:
1. To surprise them with it.
2. So they never know you ate an entire cake without sharing.
me: wow, so many robins! what a good omen
also me: there are robins everywhere, it’s not a sign
also also me: you can both be right!
fourth me: you guys talk too much
In every IKEA there is a magical filing cabinet labeled raccoons, DO NOT OPEN THIS FILING CABINET!
“I’m gonna sneak past you.” No you’re not. You’ve alerted me.
People always ask why I’m wearing a sombrero in my high school graduation pictures. Clearly, because it was my señor year.
*distant Yogizilla noises getting louder*
I didn’t know any of my neighbor’s names before getting a dog but now I know their names are Kylo’s mom, Phoebe’s dad, Max’s mom and Bo’s parents
I was thirty five years old before I realized that a hamlet wasn’t an omelette with ham.
i’m vegetarian, but sometimes i introduce myself as vegan so people will leave me alone
Not me once again breaking something in the house that I’ve repeatedly warned my children to be careful with
4 drew a picture of a unicorn and asked if I’d stick it on the fridge and I said no because unicorns don’t like cold places but really it’s because the drawing was shit
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
Billboards never give helpful advice like “hey you’re about to walk into work with your fly down”.