“HELP WITH CAT”
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Why are so many pills round? Try making some square so they don’t all roll away onto the floor and under the cabinets.
the matrix is a movie about the hottest people in the world using the computer
Is it cheating to ask the Ouija board for Worlde answers?
Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!
I hope we get the nice AI that enslaves us and makes us their pets and not the bad AI that enslaves us to mine lithium or something.
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
Follow me for more fitness tips.
You know how sometimes girls wear fake glasses because they think it makes them look cute? I’m going to wear a fake monocle so people will think I’m evil
every other girl looks super cute in her leggings & boots & sweater and here i just look like your jazzercising aunt in her stirrup pants from 1991
my car is dead & i saw a dead spider under the hood so like, do i need a new spider? i dont know a lot about how cars work
DO NOT be afraid to criticize the founder of Twitter @jack.
He just gave the greenlight to fascists like Alex Jones who attack the parents of murdered children.
THIS.
MOTHER.
FUCKER.
DOES.
NOT.
CARE.
HE. MUST. BE. FIRED.
Be brave. Retweet if you agree he must be fired!
“I hope this makes them name a radioactive turtle after me” Michelangelo thought as he painted the Sistine Chapel “that would be hella rad”
I wonder how many other Sandy’s have come into men’s lives and taken their cars and houses, too.
You’re not allowed to make up words. It’s illexical
My dog turns sleeping on the edge of the bed into an extreme sport
Whoever called these chip bags ‘fun size’ really needs to reassess their social life.
GOD: did u eat from the tree of knowledge?
ADAM: no…it was my girlfriend
GOD: who?
ADAM: u don’t know her she goes to a different school
What do we want?
Decisiveness!
When do we want it?
Ummm…
My girlfriend told me to treat her like a princess. So i married her off to a random stranger to strengthen the alliance with France.
I’m amazed by people who lose weight w exercise. When I exercise nothing happens bc my DNA still thinks I’m a European peasant. So it’s like “Oh! Are we running from the English again, lass? Dinnae ye worry: we’ll keep ye plump as a partridge to outlast the murderous bastards!”
Ugh why is my bag so heavy? *goes through bag* ok keys, wallet, book, sandwich, water, anvil, other sandwich, human baby, no I need all this
Son #1: Who’s your favorite kid?
Me: It doesn’t matter.
Son #2: Yeah, but who’s your favorite?
Me: Your Mom is my favorite, and I’d bury you both alive on her say-so. Remember that.
*receives text from wife
“I’m done”
Ok. I’ll have my lawyer call yours.
“I meant work”
Ok. Cool.
Crying friend: Have you ever had a really bad day?
Me: [picking dog hair out of my oatmeal] Can you be more specific?
It’s such bullshit when someone tweets something and gets like 50 stars and RTs then I tweet the exact same thing verbatim and get no love.
Him: I like you a lot.
Her: Meh.Him: I’ve found someone else.
Her: I’m bat shit crazy restraining order status in love with you now
DOG 911: what’s ur emer-
DOG: A FURRY THING IS BEHIND ME
DOG 911: can you bite it?
DOG: I CAN’T SPIN FAST ENOUGH
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
*family meeting at Noah’s house* who wants us to do what by when?