Dating is so easy. You just ask someone out and they say no
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I was going to have a proper career by 30. I’m 47.
waiter: do you need a minute to look over the menu?
me, researched it online: yes please
Between hating pork and launching themselves into enemy structures, Al Qaeda were the original Angry Birds.
There better be a martial arts tournament in Australia called Mortal Wombat
me: slip out of that little red thing you’re wearing
*unwraps Babybel*
Any parent who manages to wash their kids’ favorite stuffed animal may include “hostage negotiator” on their resume.
Clerk: Sir this is an awful lot of cheese for one person.
Me: What?
C: You should be ashamed of yourself, panic buying is not the answer.
M: Panic buying? Um, what are you talking about, 7 blocks of cheese is a normal week for me.
C:
M:
C: Have a nice day
[explaining the plot of my favorite book to my date]
me: so you know how most caterpillars are only a little hungry?
Pennywise does live in the sewer, rent free. That speaks to financial discipline. And he eats children, who are also free. Based on that, I’m gonna say the name is more likely earnest than ironic.
“How deep should we make the shelves in this shower wall?”
“Hmm.. deep enough to hold the shampoo, but shallow enough so that a rogue current of air could send the contents of the shelf plummeting onto the person’s toes while they shower.”
“Perfect.”
IM ALMOST POSITIVE THATS JUST A COOKIE
My kid spent a long time washing kinetic sand off his hands, so now he’s clean, but the bathroom looks like it went to a rave on a beach
cellmate: what are you in here for
me: [snuggling] my bunk is cold
In Seattle, there’s a code that states when two people are walking towards each other, the one with the bigger coffee cup passes first.
Old Billy from security really spoils our sniffer dogs.
Probably one of the hardest things for Pinocchio to pull off was complimenting his friend’s experimental theater piece.
Girl, did it hurt…when you fell from heaven? *smooshed girl bobs away making accordion sounds*
New neighbor: Hi, I’m Sara.
(recalling the 47 Sarah’s already in my life)
Me: I’m sorry, this isn’t going to work out.
me: i’ve been hearing voices
psychiatrist:
me:
psychiatrist: u don’t have a psychiatrist
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I open a bottle of some condiment when there’s already one open.
I don’t delete my bad tweets because why should I suffer alone.
I hate when my kids ask me impossible questions like: What day is it?
“There’s an all you can eat–”
CUT TO:
My spinning empty office chair
said in every police drama ever
– her parents are coming down from Wisconsin
jesus thought he was impressive converting water into wine, lemme see u convert Fahrenheit into Celsius without googling it if ur so holy
If you are wondering how many ketchup packets you can put in a Holiday Inn hot tub before people stop going in, the answer is 9.
FRIEND: Can I ask for a favor?
ME: *yelling over my shoulder as I bolt away* YOU CAN ALWAYS TRY.
Oliver Twist: “Please sir, I want some more!?”
Manger: “Kid, you do realize this is a buffet?”
Ok, so there’s “senior’s parking,” and “expectant mothers parking” at the grocery store.
Where is the parking for “Undermedicated, on a short fuse and probably shouldn’t be out in public?”
Me: *overthinking a million different scenarios
*one of those scenarios turns out to be true
Me: I KNEW IT!