Twitter: Worchest… Worce… Woostishire, haha this word is so hard to spell, am I right?
Also Twitter: GIMME ALL THE SRIRACHA
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Can’t get a girl? Rip out your rib and make your own! Critics are raving “this doesn’t work” and “I’m bleeding to death”.
“Jesus take the wheel!” I shout, but Jesus decided to pop out of the sunroof firing a machine gun at our pursuers instead.
then my mum calls to ask why I’m not attending a family dinner; she says where is the glue
me: glue?
her: the glue you have been sniffing
My grandmother’s name is so Italian you need both hands to pronounce it.
The folks who write fragrance commercials must be like “I had the weirdest dream, Imma put it on TV.”
My kids ask the dumbest questions in the car like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
I photoshopped some long arms onto a T rex. Those short ones don’t look so stupid now, do they?
“Where do you get your ideas?” he said.
“Same place you do,” she said.
“No, seriously-”
“And I go early so I can take all the best ones.”
i am about to burn down everything cryptocurrency related
Nothing says how messed up my family thinks I am than my niece putting her head in an Easy-Bake-Oven & my brother asking me if I showed her.
My aunt cuts her name & address label from magazines for fear of the legendary “saw your name & address on a magazine label” murderer
Juliet: you know it’s true love, when you finish each other’s-
Romeo: LIFE
Juliet: [sighs all annoyed] like why do you say shit like that?
All firemen must dread the moment when they’re done for the day and have to find the strength to climb back up the pole.
have unfortunately discovered you can ask gpt4 to write you a rupi kaur poem and it does a really good job
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: what sayst thou to me now? speak once again
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: wtf does ides mean
SOOTHSAYER: 15th
CAESAR: say 15th then
Hi, I want to get a tattoo to express my individuality. Do you mind if I look through this book of tattoos you’ve done for other people?
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
Me: I’m exhausted, going to sleep so good tonight
My brain at 3 AM: when Dora loses her map what does she use to find it?
My neighbour is pissed. My recycle bin has missing for months so I’ve been using hers. My boyfriend is missing too. Same situation.
3: Daddy, please don’t do that joke anymore.
Me: Which one, buddy?
3: Any of them.
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
I accidentally left my speech to text on while walking my dog, this is the transcript:
Scooby-Doo led me to believe that if I were ever really scared, I should run super-fast in place.
realization:
the asteroid that ended the dinosaurs was technically the highest ratio of killing birds to one stone in earths history
Overheard This Weekend
Boy: Babe comes over to my place.
Gal: what do you want us to do?
Boy: Just to chill
Gal: I don’t chill. That’s how people end up with chill-dren!
flea markets are crazy. an old woman will be like “this pendant belonged to my grandfather who forged it himself during the great war. it’s yours for $3.”
If you get the Wordle in 5 while a toddler is screaming at you it counts as getting the Wordle in 1.
Working from home really jumps up a level when your boss texts you to ask if you saw her email yet, and you’re at TJ Maxx trying on jeans.
“I don’t understand why people try to act drunk. I spend most of my time trying to act sober.” – Florida State
Going topless is a vibe. Yes my friend’s car is a convertible.