Why is no one talking about this?!
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life is a continuous learning experience, so i can spend all my time not paying attention and drawing cartoons on notepaper just like school
A man reading a thesaurus saunters into a tavern.
Sorry I wore my ” If you can read this my hiking partners been eaten by a bear. ” T-shirt when we went camping
Wife: don’t forget to pick the kids up from school
Me: it’s Saturday, they’re both upstairs
Wife: it’s Wednesday & we have 3 kids
why isn’t he texting back
Jesus Christ this website is exhausting I just want free healthcare and a president who doesn’t look directly at eclipses
If peeing was an Olympic event, I would win gold. But then I would miss the awards ceremony because I was taking a leak.
The best thing about snow is that now my lawn looks as good as the neighbor’s.
latin students necrophiliacs
🤝
enjoying a dead tongue
Time for bed!
*puts phone down*Oops, forgot to set my alarm!
*picks phone back up and surfs the web for 7.5 hrs*
I watched DJ Khaled on SNL and I still have absolutely no idea what it is he does exactly.
Insurance company: We need you to fax us the paperwork.
Me: Sure. Let me jump in my DeLorean and drive back to 1987.
I’m at a fancy restaurant so of course I ordered the Patricia melt.
Benoit Blanc: So this baloney of yours, does it have a first name? Could you be so kind as to spell it?
Some of you act like your mom never went out of town and left you with a babysitter, but the babysitter died and you had to get a job as a fashion designer and become caretaker to your 4 siblings, all while you fell in love with the delivery guy from Clown Dog… and it shows.
How much for the sentient racist skeleton?
“Sir, that’s Ann Coulter…”
[death row]
GUARD: Ok, here’s your last meal. Bon appétit.
CAT: *slowly pushes meal off table*
The minute you start feeling good about your parenting Stacy from Facebook posts about her son winning the Nobel Peace Prize.
I dreamt I was drowning in the ocean, and woke up spitting on my pillow.
So yeah, you can say I get pretty wet n wild in bed.
Welcome to your 50’s, your knees will now decide when you will sit down.
If a British person calls 911 and says, “It’s a bloody mess” how does the operator know if there’s blood or the person is just being British
*holding a rattlesnake in each hand*
These are the angriest maracas I’ve ever played
Cop: so you went out to pick up some fruit when, out of nowhere, 3 ghosts attacked you?
Pac-man [wipes tears]: 4. It was 4 ghosts
Me: I hate when corporate Twitter accounts pretend to be people
Amazon Prime: I was just saying this to my kids
I just got hit head on by a crazy women riding a menstrual cycle.
Don’t worry guys. I’ve got a scented candle and THREE healing crystals. I’ll have Twitter fixed up by noon tomorrow
It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a chick that’s gone insane
me: doctor said I have to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal bed
Me, about to cook non-English food: time to start culinising