Dad’s jean shorts in the 80’s were one move away from being the Basic Instinct scene
You Might Also Like
🎵 that’s me in the corner
that’s me drinkin’ hot sprite
trying to catch a pigeon
Let me know when Duolingo makes a course in toddler
I’d have murdered my husband years ago, but the only place w/ more laundry than my house is prison.
My kids practically have medical degrees they’re at the nurse so much.
[sharing a cold one with the guys]
“It’s my turn to hold the penguin now”
My 7 year-old son had a playdate with a girl yesterday. After about 10 mins he asked if she wanted to go upstairs and see his ‘pound machine’. Somewhat concerned, we followed them up and found them taking turns standing on the bathroom scale.
Crisis averted, for now.
Some woman at my office just said Star Trek when we were all talking about Star Wars and now our IT guy is refusing to fix her computer.
Baby rabbits🐰 look like wise old Kung Fu masters.
I’m prepared for anything, as long as it isn’t hard or boring or scary
I’m keeping my wedding small. Probably won’t have a bride.
Teacher: Can anyone give me an example of guilty by association?
The Horse I rode in on: *Raises Hoof*
We have nothing to fear but fear itself, and spiders, and bears, and scientists, and scientists creating spider bears, and science bears
My husband is with me every step of the way, in life, in love, in faith, in front of the kitchen drawer I need to get to
Her: “Your funny”
Me: “…. Uh ya… this isn’t gonna work”
My mum is visiting this weekend and she has taken the absolute best photo of the cats.
urns are so stupid. when I die, I want my ashes on display in a mini aquarium
[cloud watching]
GIRLFRIEND: That one looks like a ring.
ME: I think it looks like two people taking it slow despite the pregnancy.
…żyje?
Wife :’Darling, look. I haven’t worn this in 8 years and it still fits.’
Hubby : It’s a scarf!
I’d survive scream bc i don’t answer the phone ever
M:$50 on the ginger with face tattoos
H: Ma’am those aren’t tattoos, they’re freckles and you can’t bet on a 6th grade spelling bee
Americans are just Canadians that someone fed after midnight.
Me: Ugh, these edibles are crap. I don’t feel a thing.
Cockroach sitting next to me on the sofa: Tell me about it, sister.
found my next D&D character name
I lost my wife’s audiobook… and now I’ll never hear the end of it!
If the Unabomber was so smart, why did he pick such a suspicious name
remembering the time i crashed an oscar watching party with a handful of TV people in los feliz and brought a tres leches cake as my offering to have one of the actors stand up and declare it was “DAIRY” with a measure of disgust
Screw hybrid cars! We should all be driving buses! No clue what their fuel consumption is but I know I’ve never seen a bus at a gas station.
20,000 Tons Of Pubic Hair Trimmed In Preparation For Valentine’s Day
I cried at a wedding once. The reception was a cash bar.