I feel most productive at work when I repeatedly click back and forth on the 18 tabs I have open and just know that the work is still there
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We only have one day set aside to celebrate women, but sharks get a whole week! Clearly, women need to start eating more people.
Mama I made it :,) RT @funTweeters: #WayneL_Jr Your tweet was published Welcome to the family 🙂
The heavy sighs are coming from inside the kitchen. A passive aggressive horror story
It always starts out “you’re so funny” and ends with “oh dear… oh my god… wtf”
My neighbors look so happy.
We can fix that.
“More than 1 way to skin a cat” – “Killing 2 birds with 1 stone” – Running like a chicken with its head cut off”
— who ARE we???
I’m the guy who paints the murals of Venice and other Italian cities on the wall of every pizzeria in the tristate area and I know grapes aren’t that big man I just love grapes ok
You can’t leave the aquarium with a penguin.
It’s a stuffed animal I got in the gift shop.
Ma’am, it’s moving.
I GOT IT IN THE GIFT SHOP!
what are some fun beginner crimes for someone getting into lawlessness
*me, flirting*
Me: Hello.
Her: Nice to meet you.
Me: You don’t even really know that.
Her: It’s an expression.
Me: It’s rather presumptuous.
Her: You know what, I’m sorry I met you.
Me: See what I mean?
My dream is to become the first smart person to be interviewed by a newscaster live at a scene.
*Hamburglar returns home with bag of hamburgers*
*his wife, holding a crying baby, slaps the bag out of his hands*
“WE NEED MONEY, DAMMIT!”
[Sunday]
God: Finally a day of rest. I could really use a chicken sandwich and a milkshake.
*walks up to Chick-fil-A*
OH COME ON!!
I tried to cook beef Wellington. It was just beef Okayington
If you would like to get an idea of what an exorcism is like, try putting clothes on a toddler.
[Witches Kitchen]
Mama: I made you a birthday cake and I used pig blood so it’s nice and moist
Daughter: wow okay that’s gross
Mama: what, I thought you liked pig blood?
Daughter: oh I do, but stop saying moist
Killing an albatross won’t bring bad luck to sailors, but that is exactly the sort of thing an albatross would go around telling people.
i just went through my sons belongings and i think he might be cheating at chess
MATH TEACHER: wanna come do the problem on the board?
ME: no
MT: i wasn’t asking
ME: if u were an english teacher you’d know that u were
Tonite’s SuperMoon is Super versus October’s FullMoon only if you think 16.05inch pizzas are Super relative to 16inch pizzas
One cake enters. No cake leaves.
[On WebMD]
I have a sore throat
[Throat cancer]
I wasn’t done, and a stomach ache.
[Cancer]
Couldn’t it be the flu?
[If it wasn’t cancer]
Difference between stoners and drunks are ..5 drunk will start a fight…5 stoners will start a band
You know a Brit’s really mad when they beg your pardon, then suggest something may have escaped your attention, before apologising for being close to losing their patience. Upon reaching boiling point, there’s a chance they’ll give you all due respect before issuing the killer blow of offering you their regards.
It’s so cute how you think wearing that cross around your neck exempts you from being a reasonable human being
Overhead an older lady telling her friend that she has “no faith in St. Martin” and I think more saints should be subject to user reviews
How long do you have to stop eating a meal before calling it leftovers?
About to go assert my dominance over the other dads in my neighborhood by washing, waxing and detailing my car, the war has begun
The 9:50 from Paris has been diverted. Nothing to do with the weather, we just don’t like the French.
Fitness friend: Do you know what you’re putting in your body?
*flashes back to ex
*shudders