Kids today dont know how good they have it, with their tablets and iPads. When I was their age all I had was lice.
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[first date]
me: what’s ur favorite word?her: probably “ethereal,” it means-
me: mine is “shuttlecock.”
The climate is probably out here trying to change for some man. Just be yourself, girl.
not for long
Mom: Where’s your brother?
Son: Dad sent him to the kitchen to mosh potatoes
Mom: Mosh?
Brother [in the kitchen wildly slamming into potatoes]
coworker: hey grant
me: [stands up]
cw: u know what I hate about this job
me: [walks out of office]
cw: [follows me] u know what I hate
me: [takes elevator to top floor]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [climbs ladder to rooftop]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [jumps]
I mostly stopped responding to email three years ago and aside from various consequences it’s been fine
If Captain America doesn’t have a pizza hidden behind his shield at all times, he isn’t fighting for the America I want to live in.
When clowns first attacked these shores nobody took it seriously. It’s just one boat, how many could there be, they said.
[This zoom meeting I’m in right now]
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Cashier: You just have to tap your credit card.
Me: *cautiously taps*
Cashier: Not against my forehead.
Friends: Get married. Have kids. Get a promotion. Travel the world.
Me: Still standing in the grocery store trying to get open a plastic produce bag.
me when someone doesn’t believe me and they google it and see I’m right
My 6yo asks me the most random questions. Today he asked “who do you think is the most rememberalist in our family?” I’m not even the most understanderalist at the moment, but I’m definitely the most confusededist.
I’m very sorry for your loss, but do you know if this funeral home has wi-fi?
Having a pool is so neat. All of your friends are suddenly interested to catch up on the hottest days of the year.
Me: I’d kill for a donut
Donut: Whoa I said I was angry, I never said I wanted them dead
my cousin asked if I wanted to hold her baby and I told her I have ringworm
Detective: one of you is the murderer
The actual murderer: *remains calm*
Me, innocent: *starts sweating, heart rate goes through roof, displays every sign of guilt it is possible to display*
Pretty upsetting that during such times some people are still refusing to take their work home with them, like my kids’ nanny
Me: you need to do your homework
9: my teacher knows all the answers, why doesn’t she just do it herself
INVENTOR: behold the umbrella! it protects only your head & chest from rain
CEO: wow
I: so fragile it cannot withstand any wind
C: i love it
Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I’m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.
[being stopped by the cops]
Me: if they ask about a missing dolphin just play it cool
My new best friend: *clicky noises*
Me: okay okay *i toss him a fish to keep him quiet*
due to my wife’s recent surgery it hurts her to laugh. thankfully after 18 years together she no longer finds me funny so she’s perfectly safe.
Me [a security guard]: they now control the north lawn and are moving into the parking lot
Supervisor: be that as it may, i will not agree to let you “taser a goose”
The Slow and The Furious: me navigating a shopping cart through a grocery store filled with morons.
“I’m gonna look to my left and run as fast as I can.”
– Toddlers
[grocery store]
Meat department: 7 people will all try to help you at the same time, they are very excited about this
Rest of the store: reportedly one person works here but he has not been heard from since 1989. His name is Gary. If you see him, tell him his family misses him
Me: (Sneezes)
Microchip in my left arm: Bless you
I get why polyamory is so popular in California. It takes 3 incomes to survive and 4 to have nice things.