God: You have been freed from the shackles of corporeal form, my son. All of time and space are yours to experience. What will you do?
Spirit me: Probably just hang around my old apartment and make an occasional weird noise at night.
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Grow up never but we old may grow we
MY NECK. MY BACK. MY PJ’S AND MY SNACK.
My daughter told me breathing is for losers and now I have to somehow surreptitiously check her for gills
“Why does the Gingerbread Man have super speed? It doesn’t make sense.”
“Dessert goes pretty fast.”
“Please shut up.”
I hate when someone sneaks up in front of you when you’re scrolling on your phone
Today I was on the treadmill for over an hour. I was so pleased with my progress that tomorrow I might actually turn it on
Flight attendant: “will you perform exit row duties in the event of an emergency?”
Me: “yes”
In my head: “No we’re all gonna die”
Friend: you’re so lucky you don’t have a job
Me, a stay-at-home mom, now with one less friend: so lucky
*jurassic park meeting
CEO: We’ve suffered minor setbacks with grisly deaths; the destruction of the entire island; and billion dollar lawsuits. So I want some outside the box thinking on how to go forward.
Suit: We could build another park…
*long silence
CEO: Genius.
everyone is saying “i wouldn’t touch this topic with a ten foot pole” and nobody is stopping to think about me, the guy who makes his living selling ten foot poles. my children are starving because you can’t come up with a take.
REPORTER: Today a 25-year old dog is playing dead for the first time. It goes to show that old dogs really can learn… Oh goddamn it.
just pick it off the pizza, you won’t taste it
~ one of the many lies black olive lovers tell us
This is amazing.
[JanSport keynote address]
(audience grumbling)
“where is he?”
*CEO emerges from backpack on stage*
*crowd goes nuts*
Rules for rap battling Eminem:
1. Do not let Eminem go first.
2. Do not let Eminem go second.
Breath escapes my broken body. I collapse amid dark, icy spears of pain. The fight’s done. It’s over.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: You’ve done 9 seconds
Her: What superpower would you choose?
Me: *sweating* Definitely the USA or China.
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
PSA: Tipsy driving is drunk driving.
It’s easier for me to bite than my dogs, my neighbors finally get it
If you’re about to be turned into stone by Medusa, strike a hilarious pose and at least lighten things up for the next guy.
[date]
ME: ur jacket goes well with ur purse
HER: *sits down* see it’s not hard to be complimentary
ME: u mean complementary
HER: *gets up*
my dog asks for more food by throwing her bowl against a wall, sleeps all day on top of the heat register, and gets treats every time she gets anxious…how do i sign up for this?
My kids: what are we having for…
ME: LEFTOVERS
Me: *coughs*
*coughs again*Husband: Are you ok?
Me: Yes.
*secretly opening the last sleeve of thin mints I don’t want to share*
Was shocked to hear this little girl say she wanted to be a street walker when she grows up until I realized she meant a crossing guard.
[movie theater concessions]
Me: ok kiddos we can get popcorn or we can pay for your college.
Kids: POPCORN!
Wife: seriously!?!
Me: [shakes head sadly] they’ve made their choice.
I’ve had my air fryer running for 197 continuous hours and I’ve got zero fried air to show for it.
[bear approaches]
friend: make yourself look big!
me: YOURSELF
*Seductively hides in the woods