psa: clockwise doesn’t change just because you’re left-handed
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Kids are fun cause they tell you sweet things like mom you should bedazzle that pimple.
Did you seriously hire a mentally unstable person to drive our kids just so you could say he’s driving them crazy?
Me as a principal: Maybe
I may not be much of an athlete these days but I can sure as shit jump 6 feet in the air when a spider runs out by my feet.
Groot is a tree but he doesn’t have roots. They should just call him G.
Me: Daddy’s going out today. So I’ll see you tomorrow.
Kids: Okay!
———————————
Mummy: I’m going upstairs to pee.Kids: NOOOOOO!!! WHYYYYY?!?! AAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!! THE WORLD IS ENDIIIIIING!!!
priest: [hangs up the phone after talking to his boss for over an hour]”okay, that took a lot of convincing but i managed to talk him round.. yes, you can marry a penguin”
me: “omg he’ll be so pleased”
priest: “wait, did you just say he?”
me: “yes”
priest: [picks up phone again]
Me: Of course I’m an adult, I pay bills
Also me: NO, YOU MAY NOT BORROW MY DARTH VADER SIPPY CUP.
The older you are the more you will get dead, so let’s all remember to stay alive, ok?
—my 6 year old spreading cheer at thanksgiving dinner
Do you think the earth is flat? Blink once for no, have a lobotomy for yes.
Good Cop: If you confess now, you’ll probably just get probation.
Fad Cop: Hey Macarena!
For main female characters, prom is inevitable. Even if you try to skip it, a perfectly-fitting dress will appear in your life.
Lock the doors, or run far away. No matter where you go, prom will find you.
There’s no “us” in nachos.
*steps on Lego*
*stumbles backwards and trips over more Legos*
*throws all Legos away*
*Grandparents buy more Legos for Christmas*
If I say goodnight and an hour later you see me online it’s not that I lied it’s just that I failed.
Only in Canada during a winter storm will you see kids playing road hockey.
Me: I had a meeting with your teachers. They had a lot of good things to say about you, including that you’re super, super smart.
6-year-old: Wait, wait, go back. How many supers?
James Bond is trending so here’s ROGER MOORE in the greatest celebrity story ever. #JamesBond
Just realized my undies are on inside out .. Was gonna change them around . but I figured let the other side get sum action for a change .
Those three magic words,
-You can have my taco.Ps. Shut it, maths police.
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
Holy shit. I just remembered I was in Twilight.
Baby Bella mushroom: Where did I come from?
Full of shiitake biology teacher:
Well when umami and udadi who love each other very much…
Sorry I missed your call 7 months ago. Is everything okay?
If you’re wearing sunglasses & it’s not at all sunny out, you can’t get offended when I grab your arm to guide you safely across the street.
Before electricity, they used to give murderers the acoustic chair.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Me: his voice was much deeper than that. He had the chin of a man who had recently lost his watch
Him: I wanna be the man you fell in love with all those years ago.
Me: You wanna be Ryan Reynolds?
Husband, opening our kitchen drawer while asking, “Do we know where the scissors have disappeared?” Looks around and promptly closes the drawer.
Me, opening the same kitchen drawer without looking in, hands him the scissors.
I like to drink while I clean and that’s how I found out what Febreze tastes like.
Turkey Homocide Detective 1: That’s the 73rd turkey head today.
THD2: What’s the perp doin’ with the bodies?
THD1: No idea. Hey, the farmer’s calling us over. Is he holding a bloody ax?
THD2: He found the murder weapon! We should wrap this case up quick! I bet it’s the duck.