Rhythmic banging against the wall, his hands grasping the sheets. Unable to get what he needs, he gets out of bed to turn off the Roomba.
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[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
If you don’t cut the cake in pieces and just eat the whole thing, then you only had one piece, right???
Me: I’ve got the singing voice of an angle
Friend: Don’t you mean angel?
M: Nope, people hear me sing and do a complete 180
2017 Resolution: spend more quality time with my son
*son begins describing his 500 new Pokémon cards*
Well, there’s always next year
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
Nobody:
4-year-old: Can I call people peasants at school?
The worst thing about living in the city must be cleaning all the dead parkour people out of your chimney.
This Amber Alert has gone off 4 times today.
I bet the people with hidden prison phones are shitting themselves right about now. 😬
[Target intercom]
“Would the parent of a 9 y/o named Jack please pick up your son at security. We’ve told u for weeks this isn’t a daycare.”
Church is the worst book club ever. We’ve been talking about the same book for 2,000 years and most of us still haven’t even read it
My mothers nearly 80 and she still doesn’t need glasses. She drinks right out of the bottle!
Spiraling into madness while watching the slow texter’s dots bounce
[Entering Building As A Guy Leaves]
Me: It’s muggy out there.
Guy: I’ll be fine.
*guy is beaten & robbed immediately.
M: Told you.
Has a coffee at 3:26 so I’m wide awake before the birds start their shit at 4:00.
Actually, Frankincense was the name of the doctor who created it. You’re thinking of Frankincense’s monster.
Five-word horror story:
“I’m going that way too”
Me: You must train hard to beat Kylo Ren.
Rey: I already beat him once with literally no training.
Me:
Rey: Look. I still have two hands.
*walks into room, turns chair around backwards & sits down with arms crossed on it*
hey kids…I’m here to talk about how chairs confuse me
Elmo: Elmo says this just him coping
Oscar: I don’t care, it’s morbid and- oh hey Bert
Bert: Ahem *nods to jar under arm*
Oscar: Hey Urn-ie
3: *throws plate in sink
Me: but you barely ate!
3: yeah, I’m full…what are you eating?
Me: the same thing you had
3: can I have a bite?
And then the devil said, “tell her to calm down.”
DOG 911: what’s ur emer-
DOG: A FURRY THING IS BEHIND ME
DOG 911: can you bite it?
DOG: I CAN’T SPIN FAST ENOUGH
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Me at a wine tasting:
*swirls glass*
*sniffs*
*sips slowly*
*stares off into the distance*
…Ah, yes. This is in fact wine.
Me: You should be nicer to me. You’ll never have another dad.
5-year-old: Don’t be so sure. Mom is pretty.
When a child loses a tooth, some parents put a dollar under their pillow. Other parents leave a book called, “Your Disintegrating Body.”
If you don’t open your mouth while putting on mascara, you die.
I have explained who the California Raisins are to two people today and I am starting to wonder if I made them up.
The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it 99% of the time until you’re about to die
If you don’t pay your exorcist
You get repossessed
If you’re thinking of getting a hairless cat, go the extra mile and get a catless cat.