Flex on your mother in-law by leaving nursing home pamphlets lying around the house.
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I feel bad for my Roomba, so every other day I vacuum while it sits on the couch watching TV and drinking beer.
What the hell was that?” my dog angrily demanded as we left the vet’s office.
“What?” I asked.
“That thing you did with the guy.”
“What, shaking his hand?”
“Yes shaking his hand. I thought that was our thing.”
HER: Do you have any funny dating stories?
ME: [thinking about the time I wrote 2007 when it was actually 2008] Just one
Thanks for telling me this is your “pet cat” because otherwise I might have thought it was your business associate cat.
My dad brought me yellow gatorade because that’s the medicinal flavor. orange is for exercise. red is the best tasting but has no healing properties, it’s just a drink like an arizona iced tea.
*a dog sits down at a roulette table and pushes his life savings in chips to the center*
Put it all on Grey
my date is in 2 hours, which means I have very little time to fix my glasses and fix my bangs and get a career and lose 50 pounds
The kitchen trash will be overflowing and my kids will keep stacking garbage on top like they’re playing Jenga.
me: “my wife is having a baby”
colleague: “omg, do you know what it is?”
me: “it’s a person but smaller”
How dare the delivery guy ring my doorbell and disturb me with a package that I ordered.
[funeral]
I’ll never forget dad’s last words: It’s way past Halloween! What moron left the hilarious CAUTION tape on this elevator?
i’ve had this nightmare before 😱
Wear green for St Patty’s Day! You don’t wanna get punched!
-You mean pinched
[flashback to the 6 people I punched earlier]
It’s pinched?
8- “Mom, where do babies come from?”
Me- “From backrubs honey.”
[lips on a snake]
WIFE: what are you doing?
ME: getting rid of the poison
WIFE: you’re supposed to suck your own bite
SNAKE: leave him alone
Kid: I want pancakes.
Dad: Me too. Go wake up your mom.
Kid: Nice try. Do I look stupid to you?
Building a public square in a city or town is plazable.
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
The hardest part of parenting is trying not to laugh in your kids face when they’re mad at you because you woke them up too early.
The neighbor woke me up with his lawn mower. I’m going to sit outside and play my recorder all day.
“I lost my Khakis”
– a guy from Boston who lost his car keys.
Am I flattered when a man hits on me? Yes, but I also saw that same man whispering sweet nothings to a piece of pecan pie the other day, so not too flattered.
i hope you pull the covers up too fast and punch yourself in the face tonight.
[candy store]
ME: I’d like to return this Tic Tac.
CLERK: It looks partially eaten.
ME: It’s still in…
CLERK: Don’t
ME: …mint condition.
Parent pro tip: Beware of the child who cleans their room without being prompted. They are about to ask to borrow money.
Drinking ink won’t kill you, you’ll just dye a little inside.
Aisle 3: oh my god hi!
Aisle 5: haha hi
Aisle 9: yeah hello…
Aisle 10: [little smile]
Aisle 13: I swear to god I will cut you if I see your face again-Death spiral of a friendship when you keep running into them at Target
ME: people only use 10% of their brains
FRIEND: that’s an urban legend
ME: no it’s not. my grandma told it to me, and she lives on a farm
No thanks, I’m not hungry right now. I’ll just wait until after you put it away and sit down. Then I’ll have some.
-kids
“Be careful when you follow the Masses.
Sometimes the ‘M’ is silent.”