*sleeping*
Heartburn: LIKE HELL YOU ARE
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How pale and flabby do I have to be before I am legally a jellyfish?
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when you said hi.
Show up early for your interview. A day early. Lie motionless in a bush for twenty four hours. You got this.
Coming soon from the makers of Hamilton:
LINCOLN
Featuring the smash rap hit about the Civil War:
“This could be US, but you slavin’.”
It should be a rule that if you’re going to put you kid on a leash, you can’t be mad if someone walks up, asks if they bite, and pets them
You gotta hand it to him. Otherwise, we can’t finish this relay race.
Excuse me, waiter, there is a spy in my soup. It fell out of the balloon in the sky.
Im not trying to brag or anything, but I just got invited to play Candy Crush on FB
*me on my deathbed* here, I want you to have my basket of cords.
The pot called the kettle black. The pot is silver…………we now have a situation in the kitchen.
I’m going on a shiny hair journey. It doesn’t seem as if my hair is going with me, but I’m going.
[In Bar]
Friend: Your fly is down
Me: I know, he’s going through a messy divorce
*glances to fly passed out among empty beer bottles*
William: where have you all been
Kate: omg William there’s a winter forest in the coat closet
I’m no body language specialist but I would interpret Gary Busey’s smile as saying, “I may or may not have eaten your parakeet.”
Area rug? Forget about it. Give me a perimeter rug instead. Just one strand around the whole room.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who can’t get the dinosaur on his shirt to eat its food
I’ve never used the word culvert in a sentence. Well, until now.
I wonder if Spiderman and Batman ever fight over who gets to eat the best bugs.
An advantage of working at home is enjoying your cat’s company. It would be nice though if she did some typing, light filing, and answered some phone calls
Telling my husband he got his days mixed up and my quarantine is actually another day so he doesn’t see how messy I’ve let this room get.
wife: Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?
toddler [whispers] Because that’s where the cheese is
me: Because that’s where the cheese is!
The 6th day of xmas was the worst day of xmas bc after getting 5 golden rings she thought he moved on to jewelry & did not expect more birds
When she was 3, I took my youngest to makeup a gymnastics class we’d missed. The entire hr she was surly af & I had no idea why.
On the car ride home, she bold-faced stared me down and said, “MOM, we didn’t do ANY makeup in this class, you LIED.”
Kids.
Every surgery is exploratory if you’re confused enough
FRIEND: It’s called cauliflower. It’s not ghost broccoli.
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] Listen kid, I know what I saw.
Girl from school who refused to dance with me at elementary school disco: can I get some chicken Mcnuggets
Me: well look who’s come crawling back
Why run with scissors when you can run with bananas which are far less dangerous and also tasty snacks.
I mean…but I did
According to my wife I’m the best at driving over every pothole when she has to pee.
[first guy to discover magic mushrooms]
those…those were not portobellos