Yes
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Top killers of kids in the ’50s.
1. Abandoned refrigerators
2. Failure to duck and cover
3. Tasty lead paint
4. Playing around at the dinner table
My parents are coming so I’ve put drop sheets over the entire house to look like we’re in the middle of painting. I don’t want them to know we live like this.
Toy Story (1995): A young boy’s toy chest becomes possessed by haunted dolls, forcing the family to move away. But the dolls find him.
Damn girl, are you my Boy Scout troop leader? Cause you’re making me pitch a tent.
“That video conference call went extremely well!” I say to myself, having arrived late, mouthed ‘hello’ while on mute, and left before it was over because I noticed my underwear drawer was open and overflowing in the background the whole time. “Yes, quite well.”
Yes opposites attract, my husband dunks basketballs and I dunk donuts.
*panicking* 3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3
Fun fact: Pouring water on a snorer only makes them mad.
I’m very jealous of people who can take selfies with their dogs. My dog is like OH BOY WE ARE SITTING TOGETHER I LOVE YOU LICK FACE FOREVER
In the midst of getting dressed, I got a notification that my painted lady caterpillars were delivered four minutes ago, so I happily ran down the stairs to go get them and realized right before I got to the front door that I HAVE NO TOP ON.
best friend: the recording guy for our wedding cancelled on us
me: I can do it
best friend: thanks man!
[after the wedding]
best friend: *visibly angry* all you did was play that stupid flute the whole time
me: actually it’s a recorder
It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails
But when it does,
no one is shocked
people say they’re “over the moon” when they’re happy, but it’s a lie; the moon is one of those things you will never truly get over
“they arent wearing seatbelts” – my mom watching a car chase scene in any action movie
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
[airport security]
*BEEP*
Ma’am, step through again
*BEEP*
Nice try pal, I’m not removing my Slayer shirt
Ma’am, please it’s too much metal
I hate it when genies exploit your poor choice of wording to fulfill your wish in a way you don’t actually want, like dude, you know what I meant.
My family’s dull. All through his teens my brother had his head buried in a book before dad exhumed it & reattached to the rest of his body.
I don’t know how to act 40, so I’m just doing what I did when I was 20 twice as hard.
Where are you going?
“Ice fishing”
You know you can just buy ice at the store right?
“No I mean th…”
Or just freeze some water even…
*Ghost snatches phone from me*
“Who you gonna call now?”
Receives a compliment
Me: no sorry we don’t do that here
Wife: *looking at three baskets full of my clothes* You need to do laundry.
Me: No, two of those are clean.
When your girlfriend is PMS’ing, cheer her up by showing her that “totally weird” text you got from your ex last night.
Science tip: you can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or in a while.
him: damn girl you’re hot
me (menopausal): I know. it sucks
Me, running into a mom friend at Trader Joe’s: oh your hair looks fabulous! Have you done anything different?
Her: Oh thanks! That’s the lice treatment
I hope my neighbors follow me on Twitter cause their car’s lights are on.
Be the person that gives out the full size candy bars, I said, and now I have 55 full size candy bars left in my house.
You know it’s time for a pedicure when you can exfoliate one foot with the other one