The real walk of shame is when you take all the cups and plates you’ve been hoarding in your room down to the kitchen.
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Dress for the job you want, not the job you have. Better yet, dress for jobs that don’t even exist. Werewolf psychiatrist. Clown assassin.
My 5yo would like to wish you all a Happy Balance Time Day
Forever thinking about the person 14 years ago who said earnestly (?) if they eat shrimp they get diarrhea “and vice versa.”
Is it rude to throw breath mints in someones mouth while they’re talking?
[interview]
What is your greatest strength?
“Throwing my voice”
You’re hired!
“Ok great, thanks”
Wait I didn’t say- oh wow you’re good
[washing my hands in the blood of my enemies] *counting to 20 in my head*
Would I miss my leg or my arm more?
(me, lying in bed, deciding which to put outside the blanket for the monster under the bed to rip off)
Yet another day I failed to wake up as a giant cockroach
They call Japan the “Land of the Rising Sun”. Is that why they look like they’re squinting all the time?
Quick! I’m doing my taxes. Is it normal to get $76,000 back when you make $60,000?
The best thing to do with Christmas lights that don’t work is put them back in the attic so they can frustrate you again next year.
My new dentist was a former mortician apprentice.
He is different that he likes to bathe you before he does any dental work.
[call]
MOM: please be safe in the snowstorm.
ME: idgaf about snow i’m a gangster.
MOM: what?
ME: i said thanks for calling i love you.
Told the kids me and husband were having adult time and under no circumstances were they to disturb us for the next 5-6 minutes
my parents often told me I would lose my own head if it wasn’t screwed on and now that I’m an adult I want to know what tools I need to have it screwed off
I’m hoping Dune 2 gives me new opportunities to pun off Paul Atreides.
Paul: Fear is the mind killer
Me: Paul AfraidesPaul: Doctor Yeuh has double-crossed us
Me: Paul Betraydes
Finding an open electrical socket at the airport and discovering it doesn’t work feels like buying a pair of pants and discovering the pockets are fake.
Kids are like bears. If you play dead eventually they’ll leave you alone.
I have a dentist appointment this afternoon. What’s the quickest way to erase a year of bad decisions?
[1st date]
Me: Sooo…Is there anything you’d like to ask me?Him: Well, there is one thing I’ve been wondering
Me: *batting lashes* Go ahead
Him: Is that a piece of hot dog in your hair?
Sorry I followed your minivan for an hour. I got caught up in the movie your kids were watching and wanted to see how it ends.
me: why do i feel terrible
brain: coffee is not a food group
brain: eat a vegetable
brain: sleep
me: guess we’ll never know
brain: oh my god
[doctor looking at my xrays]
doctor: this is exactly what i was afraid of
me: what
doctor: skeletons
Ugh, I may have lost my “World’s Best Dad” keychain. My 2 year old was playing with it an hour ago but I don’t know where she went.
How’s the parenting going over here?
My youngest just told my oldest to “GET IN THE DAMN CAR!”
Jay-Z is actually the 26th generation of the Jay family, which dates back to the middle-ages, when Jay-A invented rap.
Clay shooting is like real life Duck Hunt, right up until you swing your controller around towards the crowd and they’re all like “PUT THE GODDAMN GUN DOWN, Alison!”
Hot chick at the bar just said that she’s gonna do something stupid tonight…
…I informed her that I only had a 1.75 GPA in high school.
Husband: Are we going to start eating healthier?
Me: Absolutely!
Husband: So burgers and fries for dinner tonight?
Me: Absolutely!