Working from home really jumps up a level when your boss texts you to ask if you saw her email yet, and you’re at TJ Maxx trying on jeans.
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Eggnostic is when you don’t know which came first, the chicken or the egg
My first kid will be named Gotham. That way when I have to get up in the middle of the night when they’re crying I can say “Gotham needs me”
Wife: omg it’s happening
Me: what is?
*the lights go out, wind rattles the windows*
Wife: the baby is coming
Me: what?!
Wife: the baby is coming right now
Me: you’re not pregnant!
*door creaks open*
Wife: run
I’m so glad the “you break it, you buy it” policy doesn’t apply to hymens.
My girlfriend just called a group of sheep ‘sheeps’ and now I can never be sure that she is legally capable of consenting to sex.
I’m one whole face and body rearrangement away from being Scarlett Johansson.
bank transfers when they’re taking money out of your account: haha yeah we can do this at the speed of light now. w/e its cool
bank transfers when they’re putting money in your account: hold on there pardner. we have to load this check on a pony and ride it across texas first
Coworker: a chocolate oatmeal cookie isn’t a healthy breakfast.
Me: *smashes cookie*
There it’s granola, now stfu..
I followed you because you’re hot
-Mosquitoes
I asked my twins the best thing about turning 6 and my boy twin said “my hands growing bigger” and my girl twin said “I can drink wine now”
I was killing this rap battle until I said orange.
Just weighed myself. I’d strongly advise against y’all doing that.
I’ve learned a lot over the years, but the best advice I can ever give someone is never buy a used harmonica.
*gets b̶e̶t̶t̶e̶r̶ bitter with age*
*extends arm for handshake*
Me: Hello, it’s nice to meet you
Friend: Sorry, but my dad is blind
Me: Oh…. HELLO, IT’S NICE TO MEET YOU
If the number 666 is considered evil, then technically, 25.8069758 is the root of all evil.
“My wife and I decided we don’t want to have kids.”
“But…don’t you already have 2?”
“Yeah.”
Relations at the bird feeder have been strained since the experimental millet blend.
My 4yo just asked me if I was there when we went to Disney 6 weeks ago for 5 days, so I’m obviously making a huge impact in her life.
Turns out when you’re a grown up, you CAN do anything you want, you just have to deal with the fallout…
*pizza dough plops on head*
*opens kitchen drawer*
Me: Whoa, what’s with all the whisks?
Sir-Mix-a-Lot: Why you judgin me?
“You do you” is the nicest way to call someone an idiot.
Me: He said he likes mac-n-cheese better the way his mom makes it.
Female judge: Case dismissed!
Him: I can’t sleep
Me: try counting sheep
Him: did it ever occur to you that the fact that you filled our bedroom with 27 sheep is the reason why I can’t sleep?
Me: aww you HAVE counted them *claps hands*
Want to feel old? This is what the vampires from Buffy the Vampire Slayer look like now.
I’ve been introducing myself as Jim The Chosen One ever since I was named milk monitor in grade 6.
When someone tells me that the best part of their job is getting to talk to people all day, I’m too frightened to ask what the worst part is.
[labels account “18+”]
[tweets exclusively about voting & buying cigarettes legally]
The fact that dudes go on a diet but they call it “biohacking” is so funny to me.
Like if men started knitting they would call it “hyper threading” or “powertangling” or some shit