the funniest historical moment was when achilles’ mom, knowing that dunking him in the river styx would make him invulnerable, didn’t take an extra 2 seconds to dip his heel in to make sure he was 100% covered. just the laziest shit ever
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My wife: I just gave myself a pedicure in record time!
Me: Impressive feet!
[1773]
“Your majesty, last night some angry colonists dumped our tea into the Boston Harbor”
*three English ladies faint*
WTF THIS MEANS WAR
I believe this with my whole heart 💀🪦
I need to get organized and plan ahead
*starts thawing the thanksgiving turkey
I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I’m living in their attic.
Egg nog was invented in Germany back in 1816 when Baron Von Heldebrandt reportedly said “Hey guys, let’s get this custard drunk!”
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
The woman in the Superman underwear next to me does not quite understand how white pants work.
Billboard just announced the song of the summer. It’s the sound of your spouse chewing.
If you get pulled over by a cop, the smartest thing you can do is try and say “license and registration” at the same time he does and call “jinx” so he can’t say anything else.
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he makes us watch Gladiator every single day!
ME: ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?
The way I see it, you have 2 choices: you can go with the grain, you can go against the grain, or you can go across the grain. 3. You have 3 (three) choices.
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. Sweating and panting while trying to open this Amazon package, however…
My wife bought me Costco underwear which I assume is the final line of defense against another woman wanting to have sex with me
My husband found me lying on the sofa and said the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
I can’t believe “wife-beater shirt” is a commonly accepted term. Do they go well with child-molester hats and puppy-kicker shoes?
him, leaving for work: we still need to talk about your soap opera addiction
me: *walks away and stares out the window as the rain starts to fall* just go
Me: *digging a hole* Sorry, honey. Just following the social distancing orders.
Him: It’s six feet APART, not under.
Me: Just get in.
Got home at 2:30AM after traveling from Miami to Los Angeles yesterday. I slept 5 hours, unpacked everything, cleaned our entire house, including washing clothes, towels, and sheets + went grocery shopping.
I will never be this productive again, so I had to tell everyone. 😂
App: This app would like to use your location.
Me: NOT NOW I’M SITTIN’ ON THE TOILET!!
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Wow, the feeling! A sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* endorphins
Me: No, just whales
People who live in glass houses probably have a lot of squeegees.
Why’d they call it an “aquarium” instead of a “Here fish-see fish-see”
babe are you okay??? you’ve barely touched your chromatica limited edition curry
ariana grande getting engaged to a non-famous person is really inspiring me to get engaged to a famous person
If you attempt to rob a bank you won’t have any trouble with rent/food bills for the next 10 years whether you are successful or not.
Jaws (1975): A shark gets annoyed because a bunch of people break into the ocean
[Date]
(don’t let her know you’re an alien larva)Her: I wonder where he is?
*I burst through her chest*
Me: Did you order yet? I’m starved
Freak your cat out by running in the room, stopping abruptly to lick yourself and then running back out again.
Rage against the machine? I bet it was a printer.