cutting bell peppers and adding googly eyes is bound to heal your soul a little, give it a try
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I just want to know enough sign language to convince people to stop talking to me
I’m tired of people saying “here’s my go to lazy meal” and then they start chopping an onion
“He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake.” Santa is your cellmate.
Everyone keeps asking me if I’m okay, and I think it’s because I keep showing up to places looking like I was hit by a truck.
Torn right now about whether I want to learn Mastodon or just start guessing everyone’s email address.
A charcuterie board is about what’s on top of the board? I thought y’all were picking side items to make eating wood more palletable.
Me: *seductively spreading peanut butter on my chest
Sir, you’re going to have to leave.
Me: *reluctantly gets off treadmill
why do only doctors get a special hammer for beating people with. I should be allowed to have one of these too
[rhyme factory]
BOSS: get cracking on those words that rhyme with “ow”
WORKER: yes sir
bow
cow
dow
how
*boss looks away*
low
mow
*boss looks back*
now
pow
*boss looks away again*
row
sow
tow
*boss looks back*
vow
wow
ONLINE BOYFRIEND: “Why do you have so many socks?”
ME: [hiding my octopus tentacles while on webcam] “Haha, no reason. They are just fun to have.”
FB post from HS friend on pic: My boyfriend is such a dreamboat!
My comment: So was the Titanic.
[Couples’ Counselling]
Her: If he doesn’t stop talking in corporate cliches I’m leaving him
Me (in tears): Please don’t downsize our unit!
Me: Alexa, tell me about your new privacy policy.
Alexa: Your next door neighbor said you guys were hillbillies.
gorilla trainer: don’t make direct eye contact with him he sees it as a threat
gorilla optometrist: uh oh
Imagine how hard it must have been before photography existed, having to hold a pose in the bathroom while painting your selfie.
I’m convinced that my soulmate is pizza
My beef with you is that you’re too chicken to pork me.
She was a mystery to me, much like the hair you find when you uncap the Chapstick.
British people be like I’m Bri ish
me: there’s something gross in my soup.
waiter: that’s your reflection
Apparently, “I understand why some animals eat their young,” is not a socially acceptable answer when someone asks you how you’re doing. Whatever.
Controlling my life lately has been like trying to fit an alligator for a retainer.
[interrogation]
“Where were you on the night of the 5th?”
“Dealing drugs.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“Healing pugs. I’m a pug vet.”
Once upon a time, I’d leave my seat early at a concert or sporting event so I could beat the traffic.
Nowadays, it’s probably because I need to beat the queue for the toilet.
Cool how most makeup tutorial videos are like: ok, first, start out already young and pretty with no makeup.
Me: [when I like someone on Twitter] you’re a wonderful human being and I love you
Me: [when I like someone in real life] *velociraptor noises*
It’s simple …..when life throws you assholes..rip them a new one.
Favstar is like that uncle we all
have, he never works, but comes
around every few months asking
for money.
We all have our personal struggles.
Mine today was an argument with my son about why we can’t put a hot hog in the toaster, but then I was like, maybe we could put a hotdog in the toaster…