Every Olympic event should include one average person competing, for reference.
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Has anyone tried sacrificing a billionaire to the old gods?
Son: so a bee’s stripes are to tell other animals to stay far away?
Me: yeah, kind of like-
*a jacked up, neon green trans-am with mud tires rolls by*
Son: like that?
Me: exactly like that
Not sure where I went wrong, he said he liked “it wild” so I crawled through his window dressed as Pennywise and dragged him into the woods but; maybe he’s not into redheads.
[Noah from the Bible is doing laundry and his washer just starts spewing water]
DEBORAH GET THE BOAT
people act so amazed at shroedingers cat being alive and dead at the same time as if they’ve never met someone who works customer service
Me: Watcha got there?
8: Lemonade.
Me: What kind?
8: Mike’s
Me: Nooooooo
After 3 disastrous surgeries I said that’s it no more pretending to be a doctor.
Spider-Man: I climb like a spider and shoot webs to prevent crime!
Ant-Man: I shrink to the size of an ant to defeat enemies!
Cowboy: I uh
Spider-Man: Go on!
Cowboy *quietly* I have 4 stomachs
Roughly 60% of my childhood was spent trying to do the crane kick after watching Karate Kid.
Doctor: That does it for the stitches. How did you bust your lip open?
Husband: I was sparring with a buddy yesterday.
Me: He was pulling up the duvet when his hand slipped and he punched himself in the face.
New Year’s Eve would be so much better if it happened around sevenish.
Ours was an impossible friendship. You were a squirrel with no identifiable markings and I could never be sure if you were you.
Me: “I think my computer has become self-aware.”
Ian: “What makes you say that?”
Me: “Well, for a start, it’s named itself Ian.”
I saw a guy walking 4 dogs this morning and thought, Wow!.. That guy must be really blind.
*Unexpected item in the bagging area*
Me: Well what item exactly WERE you expecting?
Brain: Too much to think about to sleep.
Me: But I have work tomorrow.
Brain: I don’t care-
*alarm goes off*
-okay you can sleep.
THERAPIST: How did you feel when you first realized you had a Gloria Gaynor obsession?
ME: First I was afraid. I was petrified.
*whispering to my belly fat*
I just can’t quit you.
Me: I need to finish the semester strong
Friend: hey
Me: u right, I should skip class tomorrow
Horror reviews are my favorite thing because they’ll be like “This book is vile. It gave me mono and siphoned all the gas from my car. It is a literal cursed object and I don’t feel safe around it. Five huge stars.”
Ancient people: turned grapes into wine, agave into tequila, and sugar cane into rum.
Modern people: turn soy, rice, or almonds into milk.
Not an. Officer sitting next to me …. Now I can’t drink my… er.. water
Now that Christmas is over, don’t forget to be thankful for all the children in China who made your kid’s toys.
curiouse george 2: 2 fast 2 curious
Day 4: I’ve finally completed all my New Year’s resolutions from ’97.
gollum: *coughs on ring*
frodo: you know what, keep it
What happens when Christopher’s car breaks down?
Christopher Walken
This hospital has everything
Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,
One fell down and bumped his head,
Mama called the doctor and the doctor said,
Start a GoFundMe or else he’s dead