In my defense, they never told me I couldn’t tattoo their baby when I got the babysitter job.
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My therapist puts her toilet paper roll on upside down, yet somehow I’m the crazy one?
Day One living in a Tiny House: Well, isn’t this quaint?
Day Two: Murder
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: I bet it was to compliment my excellent driving. You’re so sweet to give me positive reinforcement. Bye now. *drives off*
[speed dating]
HER: I’m a real planner. I like people who plan ahead.
ME: *trying to impress her* I’m already wearing a condom
7: *walks into the house, holding $20 in one hand & keys in the other
Me: What kind of sales pitch did you use on your PaPa to get that?
7: I need $20 and your car keys.
Fun fact: it’s impossible to try to kiss your own neck without looking like you’ve had a stroke
I swallowed an ice cube yesterday and still haven’t pooped it out.
I’m getting really concerned.
Cain was the first to call out Abelism.
Stranger asks you what time it is = kinda annoying
Stranger asks you what year it is = pretty concerning
Stranger asks you what century it is = extremely exciting
hot instagram model girl: before each workout i always drink this
me: [laying in bed covered in crumbs] im gonna buy that
Maybe Boeing should make their planes out of Legos. They seem to stick together better than whatever they’re using
The 1yo did 4 squats and then ate a cookie so he’s my new personal trainer now.
I think my family is really going to dig the 15 minute powerpoint I’ve created of the things I am thankful for at Thanksgiving dinner.
Please please please please please please please…
-me, flushing someone else’s toilet
To all the people with grammatical issues, don’t worry, I also have problems with badly timed periods. 
ur macbook about to start asking if you want update now, tonight or when the 2nd wave hits
Sometimes I feel driving over Beliebers, but then I’m like, “what is wrong with me??” because I just got my car washed.
I tell people my parents are divorced, but technically we lost my mom in a corn maze
If you want to go on a wild adventure then just let your kid make up the rules for a board game
Brenda was so embarrassed. She thought the invitation was for a panic in the park. She will be apologizing for the potato salad incident for a long time.
Call me cute and I’ll bite your kneecap.
16: this guy in gym today said he had a chest infection
Me: did he say if it was it Chestually Transmitted?
16: I’m sorry I tell you anything
Me: he should be refraining from Chestual activity
Marvel’s new superhero sounds pretty shit 😕😕😕
[Interview]
Me: I really need the paycheck
Him: This is an unpaid internship.
Me: Do you provide snacks?
Him: Um, yes
Me: Keep going…
Celery was created by big dentist just to sell more dental floss.
“honey, I can’t wait to do missionary later!” *Gets excited* *Wife leaves for third world country-helps many*
8yo: Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Me: Yes.
8yo: Where?
Me:…
8yo: WHERE!
6yo: (from outside) It’s spreading.
Me: I’m up.
Facebook is where you’ll find people sharing screenshots of sarcastic tweets and commenting “stupid”.
Please. My avocado. It is so sad.
If you want your dog to take a pill:
1. Get a piece of cheese
2. Eat the cheese for energy
3. Get ready to wrestle your dog