The terminator figures out where John Connor is but he can’t do anything about it because he’s on 3% and can’t find a charger.
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My toddler gets pretty impatient with me for someone who takes 45 minutes to eat an egg.
BOUNCER: No, you’re not getting in, just go home
ME: *slips him some money*
BOUNCER: What’s this?
ME *whispering so my friends don’t hear* thank you
Man: You’ve been very loyal but it’s best we part ways
Dog: I don’t understand. What’s the problem?
Man: Your talking kinda freaks me out.
Group of 12 year old girls: We’re scared of boys. Me: OMG, me tooooooo!
I eat too much candy. I know this because my dentist plans his annual trip to Hawaii after my appointments.
A robin just had chicks in a nest above our garage. Today, her babies were chirping and she just sat on them, and I’m wondering if I can use this method when my kids keep asking for snacks.
Even in mid-air, when we
can see nothing but the clouds, my kid can still rock the question, ‘are we there yet’
I have gotten outta bed 365 days a year for 37 years. That is 13,505 sit-ups.
And not ONE ab to show for it.
[CAVE]
BABY DRAGON: Dad, I hate trolls! They are disgusting, evil creatures!
DAD DRAGON: Just push them aside and eat your vegetables son.
There are two types of people in this world: those who finish things
How is the witch who imprisoned children that were eating her house the bad guy of the story?
my aunt: why u kids always on them phones cant u have a real conversation
me: *puts down phone* *crosses legs* why did u melt the ice caps
Why are they called “grammar Nazis” and not “the Gestypo”?
me: iced latte please
barista: what type of milk?
me: spaghetti
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
My son is 6’2” and he just said loudly from another room “god I can smell my feet from here and I’m standing up” so yes, I will be burning those shoes
Boss: this project is moving along at a snail’s pace!!
*silence*
Todd the snail: This is bullshit
*spends 3hrs storming out of meeting*
I am never angrier with myself than when I realize I accidentally bought scented garbage bags
People who walk while looking at their phones and expect me to get out of the way… LOL.
Dogs have a tendency to bark just to hear themselves bark. Reminds me of some people I know.
Coding: Where incessantly talking to yourself seems completely normal and debugging is like being a detective in a movie where you are both the detective and the perpetrator.
Her: What are you wearing for New Year’s Eve?
Me: My nicest robe and whatever booze doesn’t make it into my mouth.
You don’t need to have a falcon to wear a falconry glove. People will just assume the falcon is out.
Judge: how does your client plead?
Me, a lawyer: it was just a little murder and the victim was a bit of a prick actually
[saying goodnight in French]
me: bon nuit
autocorrect: bone unit
[in conference room]
Coworker: What time is it?
Me: Time to get a watch, Carl *moonwalks out of room*
Fox News knows we can google stuff, right?
I told my American cousin this is what police cars in Scotland sound like
“How do you normally handle criticism about your sarcasm?”
Oh, suuuuuuper well, homie.
The world is your Oyster.
So raw, rubbery and resembling a booger?