“the moon is made of cheese”
You’re an idiot
“And yet you seem to be unable to refute my claim! Is it perhaps that you have no logical rebuttal? Tis always the side with the weaker argument that must resort to name calling. 😏”
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Still wondering if Rick Astley gives up anything for Lent.
Me: ’til death do us part
Her: ’til death do us part
Death: *cracks open beer* Imma watch them suffer a while
Apparently the first thing you should say after you back over your wife’s foot is “I’m sorry” not “I guess that means no sex tonight”
Who called it inspirational posting and not chicken soup for the scroll?
COWORKER: you got like 8 hickeys. Must’ve been a fun weekend haha
ME (remembering not to talk about octopus fight club): yea it got pretty wild
Hurt my back in a pretty bad helicopter accident.
At my age, I really need to stretch before trying to move my hips like that.
NASA: we’re sending astronauts back to the moon
Me: good, return them to their natural habitat
[100 degree summer day]
me: this is so nice, I’ve got the AC running, TV and a pizza
people who love camping: ok, hear me out
HBO login: password must contain at least 8 characters, a number, an emoji, your college roommate’s maiden name, and a hieroglyph.
ATM: just any 4 numbers.
And no thanking Jesus unless he actually shows up at the ceremony
Me: Mark from Boston, you’re on the air.
Therapist: You pretend to be a radio host to avoid confrontation.
M: Let’s take another call.
[teaching babies to swim]
Me: ok, some of you are not gonna make it
Stop undressing me with your eyes!!
Use your teeth.
My teen complained about my cooking, so I stopped fighting it and filled the freezer with frozen dinners instead of making dinner, and after a week of frozen dinners, guess who’s asking me to cook again.
Ever try spreading really cold butter on toast? I’m like the human version of that.
first time in subway and the worker took a picture of my order 😭😭 am I doing this wrong
Friend: but when the baby arrives, how will I figure out how to raise her?
Me: when you’re a parent, you just no
Me: When the edibles kick in
Everyone: You forgot to attach a picture or a gif
Me: Exactly
*pulls up pants*
Oh, you said ANNUAL review. Well, this is embarrassing. But just for reference, how’d I do?
me: i need a new hat to wear for when i go sailing on my yacht
salesman: cap size?
me: i hope not
Whenever I tweet about my 3yo being challenging there’s ALWAYS someone who is like “my 3yo was not challenging at all, they were sweet and smart and perfect and it’s because I took them outside.” And I’m always like ohhhh sorry I keep mine in a box in the basement, can’t relate
[Burger Lounge]
Server: Are you 27?
Me: OMG NO I’M 39 THANK U SO MUCH U MADE MY DAY
Server: I meant your order number, ma’am.
I’m so out of shape, I can’t even run away from my insecurities.
This is going to be my year.
WebMD: paranoid schizophrenia
I drink because it’s difficult to eat alcohol.
I can almost always tell if a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs
According to the 25th Amendment, if the President is incapacitated, the Vice President becomes the executive producer of “The Apprentice.”
My neighbor said “I think the earth might be flat, sorry if I’m not politically correct.” no you’re just regular incorrect
Me: “Can you please help me with my Tinder profile? I’m not having much luck”
My wife:
[Hot Wheels cars zooming through entire house] “I SWEAR TO GOD KAREN IF YOU DISCONNECT ANY PART OF THIS TRACK I’M DIVORCING YOU”