My little dog has gotten into the box of treats & hidden them throughout the house. Every now & then he eats one. He’s strutting around like he pulled off a bank heist & is spending the cash slowly.
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My husband walked into the kitchen and asked, “What’s burning?” I told him, “The world. But what you smell is the chicken.”
It’s impossible to slowly tiptoe around without activating T-Rex arms.
– You need you refresh your style, dear..Orange is so last year
-.. meow?
“Dad, I’ve heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her.”
“Son, that happens everywhere!”
Ever have that fantasy of pulling over on the side of the highway and running into the woods and disappearing for a few years?
Just me?
I buy blocks of cheese.
For the grater good.
*runs for mayor*
Mayor: You’re outta shape
I went on 3 dates with Elijah Wood before I realized he wasn’t Daniel Radcliffe
ME: don’t involve me in your bullshit
SON: it’s called homework
satan: welcome
me: this isnt so ba-
satan: put these on
me: are…are those jeans that didnt totally dry in the dryer
satan: enjoy
me: noooo
Misery loves Company, whereas Company is just trying to get laid.
Please excuse the house, we’re remodeling.
– whenever we have company and are never remodeling
funny how dumbass pet animals will eat the same thing every day without realizing that Subway® offers over 19 different ways to Eat Fresh™
Lake Superior was named the second most scenic lake in the world, beaten only by Lake Superiorer.
As a girl who grew up with an annoying little sister the most unrealistic thing about Frozen is how Elsa never tried to kill Anna on purpose
50 is the new 30. Because it takes 50 bucks to buy what 30 used to.
The audacity per square inch in a 3 year old is unmatched at any age.
[first day as aquarium guide]
Me: & here’s 8 snakes biting a soccer ball
Guy: that’s an octopus
Me [sighs]: fine. 8 snakes biting an octopus
It turned out to be a huge mistake filling that pinata with healthy snacks around kids with weapons to beat you with.
Can’t believe a woman would grow a life inside of her for 9 months and then name it Ian.
Everybody looks down on Pinterest until they need a good recipe for homemade organic edible panties.
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
[at a restaurant]
me: do you have a box I can put this in
waiter: the… the child?
Hey I noticed you’re completely uninterested in me and couldn’t care whether I live or die would you like to build a life together?
Dads on here: my kid is such an amazing person. I love them. Moms on here: let me tell you what this little shit stain did today.
Ruin someone’s day by asking to see their tattoo then saying “is it supposed to be crooked?”
jfc that’s a stupid idea and someone could get hurt so when can we do it?
My daughter just called it the “Heimlich Remover” and I’m choking with laughter.
No Kevin, a carburetor is not someone who ate a lot of carbs.
Police: THIS IS THE POLICE! OPEN YOUR DOOR NOW!!!!!!
Me: Not with that attitude.