If dogs take after their owners, I need to work on my posture.
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no one:
me at 2am: maybe cake in the fridge also can’t sleep cause it’s thinking about me
ME: Here’s your Mickey Mouse pancake
HER: This isn’t Mickey Mouse shaped
ME: I suppose you’d think banana pancakes should be banana shaped
Please don’t exorcise the demon possessing me if it’s really good at things like small engine repair or has a secret recipe for a perfect pie crust.
Me: “Listen, whatever they’ve offered you to kill me, I’ll double it.”
Them: “All they offered was the experience and exposure.”
Me: “…oh no. The influencer mafia.”
My wife just had to explain to our 5yo that you “don’t put butter in a smoothie”
Wife: Did u load the dishw-
Me: [slowly turning into a dog]
Wife: you can’t just animorph your way out of every argu–aww who’s a good boy?!
Son: what are electric eels?
Me: eels but electric
Son: are there other electric animals?
Me, looking at the cat & the toaster: not yet
liiiiiiiiike
[Having a baby]
Me: That looks painful..
Wife: [grabs my shirt] TELL ME SOMETHNG I DON’T KNOW
Me: An ostrich’s eye is bigger than it’s brain
DATE: I’m really into *bites lip & lowers voice* S&M
ME: Well, I *trails finger sexily across the table* like all of the letters
If you look up euphoria in the dictionary, there’s a picture of me killing a fly I’ve been chasing for three hours.
Text from my mom, after watching my sons all day:
“Did the boys show you the movie they made that’s 17 minutes long and is the most boring thing on earth?”
Once a guy came to our door with an educational book-selling MLM. He tried to get my husband by asking “do you even know why a flamingo is pink?” And I guess the guy hadn’t anticipated running into a man raised on zoboomafoo because he walked away defeated.
Living well is the best revenge. The second best revenge is carefully removing plants from someone’s garden & replacing their lawn gnomes with slightly larger lawn gnomes so they appear to be growing in size from eating the plants.
Before you tell a woman her makeup is askew, be sure she’s actually wearing makeup.
If I’m being honest, a Seven Nation Army probably could hold me back.
We’re about two years from funerals starting and ending with, “don’t forget to like, share and subscribe.”
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Life was good until I ripped my pants… now life is good and ventilated.
[robbing a bank]
Bank teller: *slides over money* here you go
Me: *slides it back* can I make a deposit
Spelling “Mike” using the phonetic alphabet is easy.
That’s M as in Mike. I as in the second letter in Mike. K as in… you got it… and E as in euphoria.
“Terrible twos” is such a misleading phrase. It makes it sound like other ages are better.
My uncle brought out a range of women’s nightwear that’s so ugly he’s being sued for gross negligées
Weird that humans evolved shins long before we’d need to find furniture in the dark
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
I’m gonna try this if it ever happens me.
Have you ever considered shaving that beard and gluing it to your bald spot?
…
Oh! You meant a question about the job position!
I have a phone interview today and someone told me to “just be myself” so I’m not going to answer the call
Last night my dad stopped by in my dreams. He hugged me so tight and I hugged him back and sobbed. It’s been three years since I hugged him. I miss him so much.
THIS SHIT HAS ME DEAD 😭