Sweet Jesus > Unsweetened Jesus
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Tire shop owner: Do you know how we could attract more customers?
Employee: [shrugs ] A Big Blowout sale?
Owner: …you’re fired.
I made some Disney valentines. Please enjoy and share.
If we’re in a horror movie and you tell me to run, it’s already too late for me.
Couldn’t remember the word ‘ostrich’ earlier so I called it a giraffe chicken.
If I was hanging off a cliff for my life and you told me to take your hand I would stop screaming to tell you I’m afraid of intimacy
Wife: Can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: Ok that’s low, Sharon
Dear ladies who wear black tights and red shoes:
Please stop.
Minnie Mouse is not a style icon for grown women.
Love,
M
2020 is not Jumanji, it’s X-files.
mom did you say we had four bouillon cubes or four billion cubes
Me: *sniffing* so hell smells like pizza…
Satan: *nodding*
Me: but just to remind me that I’ll never eat pizza again…?
Satan: *beaming* isn’t it just so evil??
Me: (through tears) so creative
Some people enter your life just to improve your pronunciation.
I turned my phone onto “Airplane Mode” and threw it into the air. Worst. Transformer. Ever.
My great grandmother used say that things were better in Russia before the revolution, but I think she was being Tsarcastic.
8 [hugging me]: mummy you smell very good
Me [just showered]: aww thanks baby
8: not like before
I am at my most sexiest when I have to wash my hair twice in one day because I got ranch dressing in my hair from eating wings for dinner. Line forms to the left, gentlemen.
My friend of mine likes to name her cars. She jokingly named her car after me. As soon as she did it started leaking oil and backfiring.
I am not shocked.
Man: You’re killing me
Comedian: [strangling man with cloth] this is great material
me: I need a new shirt
stores: way too small or ridiculously oversized?
grandmas are always like “not enough meat on your bones” the only reasonable explanation being that at a certain age every grandma starts giving serious thought to cooking her family and eating them
I had an important meeting with my kids. I’ve been waiting to have this talk for a while. I started the meeting by grabbing the toothpaste. I made eye contact with all of them and then very slowly put the cap back on. It was a shocking demonstration, but I think they got it.
My resignation letter to HR will be delivered via glitter bomb
If I had an out of body experience I would probably just use the time to scratch my own back.
I dated a girl that wore a mood ring. When happy it would be a pretty blue colour. When she was mad it made a big oval mark on my forehead.
*hip thrusts my way to the buffet table*
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s kinda like a drink but with lumps in it”.
I’m pretty sure when Kenny Rogers said we gotta know when to fold em, he was talking about slices of pizza
3: I know what’s keeping me awake
Me: What?
3: The air
Me: Oh good, I was worried it was something I wouldn’t be able to fix
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
if I were the world, I would simply stop being on the verge of apocalypse