It’s romantic to walk someone home, but turns out they like it even better if they actually know you.
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I bet the kids in Mrs. Doubtfire were surprised when found out their nanny was famous actor Robin Williams the whole time.
My main motivation for staying healthy is that I hate talking to people and doctors have like so many questions
My father will accept 10 ripe avocados in exchange for my hand in marriage.
Me: I have lots of black pants because they are so versatile and go with everything.
Also, me: I cannot wear that yellow shirt with black pants because I will look like a bumble bee.
Just found out my old gym is a 5 Guys now
Renewed my membership this morning
Who called it a Spanish teacher instead of an instruction Manuel?
[yelling at the DJ in a crowded nightclub] DO YOU HAVE THE DUCKTAILS THEME SONG
[Bar]
Friend: I’m just lucky, I guess. Nothing ever embarrasses me.
Drunk Me: Challenge accepted.
Why do doctor’s offices take your blood pressure AFTER weighing you? Of course it’s going to be high then.
Me: Are you in a bad mood?
Wife: What? No.
Me: You sure?
Wife: I’m sure.
Me: You’re cranky.
Wife: I’m not cranky.
Me: Everything okay?
Wife: OMG. Yes.
Me: Because you seem like you’re in a bad mood.
Wife: OMFG NOW I AM IN A BAD MOOD.
Me:
Wife:
Me: I knew it.
ME: *shows girl my bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
HER: There’s not even a bed in here.
ME: Are you sure? *pulls a bed out from behind her ear*
HER: Holy shit!
Haha no way, you’re an 1/16th Polish AND a 1/3rd Irish???
Damn I must be part goldfish bc I don’t remember asking 🤷♂️🤷♂️🤷♂️
Well played C-SPAN.
Well played indeed.
#Zuckerberg
Leaf blowers can make yard work so efficient, when you just use them to blow everything onto the neighbour’s lot.
Husband: On top of spaghetti, all covered with cheese.
Me: *heavy breathing* Keep going.
When someone says we can do something “weather permitting” I remind them that weather’s not the boss of me. Snow or no snow, I’m not going.
Jello shots because who doesn’t like adding a lot of work and time to taking a shot…
Exactly like a tissue box dispenser, except for cold cuts.
A cop just yelled at me and took away my glow sticks. That’s the last time I go to a search party.
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
Was thinking of going to go to the gym and run 9 miles this morning so that I can look gud in college….but then I remembered I have TikTok filters 😉
#nofilter
I feel it is only fair for a recipe to indicate up front how many burners it requires. For example a 3 burner recipe would be a no.
The wife wants me to be a doctor in our sex role playing. So I guess I’ll make her wait an hour, then send her to a specialist
me: i need directions please
stranger: you need to go north and –
me: left or right
stranger: it’s a little more complex than that
me: *crying* LEFT OR RIGHT
me: I bet other husbands don’t get put in timeout!
wife: I bet they don’t put their mother-in-law’s phone number on a Craigslist ad either!
Amazon Tracking:
1. We’re not sure it exists.
2. Your package has arrived.
Wife: I’m leaving with the kids if you don’t stop pretending our house is a hospital
Me: That would be great, we really need the beds
I make all guests at my house leave their phones at the door just because I know they’ll leave quicker that way.
So quick to claim someone on your taxes yet so slow to make them a snack.