Don’t tell a lactose intolerant girl you’ll “rearrange her guts” you’re not doing anything to her a glass of milk can’t do
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Reddit really can be a magical place sometimes
ever since my girlfriend moved to Alaska she seems cold and distant
Wife: ” What’d you do today?”
Me: “Tell me what you think I did.”
(loudly in my apartment in case there’s a murderer here) I love murderers
Cowboy: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us
ME: I’ll be staying indoors almost all the time
Cowboy: ok cool
I am at my most sexiest when I have to wash my hair twice in one day because I got ranch dressing in my hair from eating wings for dinner. Line forms to the left, gentlemen.
These doctor forms keep asking how often I fall down…
…it’s like they’ve been tailing me.
Cyber Monday is probably my favorite holiday to get paid to do my Christmas shopping at work.
Spice girls: tell me what you want, what you really, really want
Me: I want all conditioner bottles to say NOT SHAMPOO in big red letters
“Please make people stop believing things without any evidence,” I whisper to the invisible magic man in the sky
Nuff said? No seriously, what did Nuff say?
god: i need you to build a death star
noah: uh, what’s a death star?
god: {flipping through his notes} oh, sorry, wrong story. i need you to build an ark…
Me: Man I love the eighties
Grandparents: We have names
A good rule is to check the recall list before opening a bag of romaine lettuce. Check it again after making the salad. Check once more tableside.
Had a yard sale to raise some much-needed cash. I really miss that yard.
How to avoid interaction with coworkers in 4 steps?
1. Take a group selfie
2. Crop everyone out except you
3. Post it on FB
4. Tag all of em
You can just put your own drawings up on the fridge. Nobody assumes an adult drew it so they’re always super impressed.
My 7yo was on FaceTime with her bestie before dinner tonight, and kept muting the mic unless she was talking because I’m “embarrassing” so I’ve got that going for me.
That depressing moment when you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
Rapidly approaching the tipping point at which “I’ll never be able to finish this WHOLE burrito bowl!” becomes “I should order another burrito bowl, shouldn’t I”
Reporter: How has winning the lottery changed your life?
Me: [chasing a raccoon with nunchucks] I can finally afford to do the things I love
I almost got ran over by joggers. I saved myself by pretending to be a stop light. I got away while they jogged in place.
*all the animals gathered around Adam*
Lion: Tell us again how you named us
Deer: Yes tell us tell us!
Adam: Well I-
Lumpsucker fish: boooo
Adam: I just-
Cockchafer beetle: BOOOOOOOO
If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you you may be in love with a boomerang.
Passed a gym sign that said “Have those new yoga pants been to yoga yet?” and I feel personally attacked.
damn. it takes a long time to soft boil 3 eggs when you don’t even turn the stove burner on in the first place
I definitely thought I would have shot the lock off of something by now in my life.
Dear trick-or-treaters: Would it kill you to say “thank you” when I hand you a freshly made egg salad sandwich?
Doc: Let’s check your reflexes.
Me: I have the reflexes of a cat.
Doc: *hits my knee with a hammer*
Me: MEOW! *scratches Doc’s eyes out*
[pumpkin patch]
Cinderella: how many miles on this one?
Farmer: please stop kicking them