Pinocchio would have been a way crazier story if he were a swordfish
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me: “no ill just have it here thanks”
bartender: [looks at my wife then back at me]
wife: “on the rocks means with ice keith”
A good way to get people to stop showing you baby pictures is after each one say, “Can I keep this?”
I met 500 new people in the last four months and I remember all of them just not their names or faces
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery,
but there will be signs…
Why I gotta scan all my parts at tsa but they cant scan the airplane for all its parts
*walks into room to find toddler stuck upside down yelling for help*
“Hold it right there baby, Mommy’s just taking a quick picture”
how to talk to a woman wearing headphones:
1. be the artist she has currently chosen to listen to through her headphones
I genuinely don’t remember making you all this stupid.
I love how people say ‘walk before you run’ like I’m going to be running at some point.
I was thinking about how the cat seems to spend nearly all day in my bed. Maybe from her perspective it’s her bed and I just take the night shift.
“And the award for best empty chasm goes to…Howling Void!”
HOWLING VOID: [howling]
Why is my daughter asking me to play jenga like I didn’t give her a brother and sister for that exact reason?
[High school reunion]
Hey guys! Remember me!?
“No”
How about now? *puts an entire toilet on my head*
(in unison) CHRIS!
To those going to Miami tomorrow, please be sure to visit our fun fair setup at the Courthouse.
Photo booths, 23&me test kits, fingerprinting, make your own bracelets…
Be there, will be wild!
I knocked over a plant in the kitchen but my cat saw me so I had to spray myself with water so I could show the law applies to everyone
Normalize chocolate cake as an appetizer.
If you think the world revolves around you, you’re either a narcissist or a terrible astronomer.
I’m not drunk enough for this
*gets drunk
I’m too drunk for this
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside. ok back to you, Fronk
[a Swarm of Bees requests to be your friend] um ok
[a Swarm of Bees has invited you to event “Come Outside”] what tha
I just did my budget for June. If I don’t buy food … I won’t need toilet paper.
I think I’m on to something here.
Keep your fries close and your onion rings closer.
I wore a beanie hat in public and people kept trying to buy drugs from me. I made $1200 but now I’m out of breath mints.
My boss: “Sean, what do you know about Twitter?” Me: “nothing. Why? What have you heard?”
It’s the year 2057, humans are shaped like candy canes from years of looking down at their phones. Striped-clothing is always in fashion.
[sams club]
ME: {wearing ski mask} This is a robbery!
LADY AT FRONT DOOR: Do you have your membership card?
ME: Uhh, I left it at home.
LADY: I’m sorry sir I can’t let you in.
ME: Please! I’ll be quick.
Every time you go away, you take a piece of me with you.
“Awww…. you’re so sweet”.
No seriously, first my hoodie disappears, then my phone charger vanishes, and now my AirPods have vaporized.
[trying to impress my date] order whatever u want
her: i’ll have the lobster
waiter: [noticing i am pointing a gun at him under the table] we uh. we don’t have lobster
assistant: sir, profits have decreased by 50%
shrink ray company CEO: excellent