[Blind date]
Him: Why didn’t you tell me you were in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: Why didn’t you tell me you could walk?
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HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with:
Dearly Beloved
I’m a leader, not a follower… Unless it’s into a dark place, then screw that, you’re going first.
Meet your new stalker! The good news is I’m middle aged and very lazy. You’ll hardly notice I’m here.
I like to split up my kid’s orange so he can refuse to eat half at lunch and refuse to eat the other half at snack
6-year-old: What if dementors attack our house?
Me: They can’t get in.
6: Why not?
Me: My patronus is a screaming toddler.
Go to bed barstool. You’re drunk
do u think regular glue guns get jealous of the hot ones
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
People that don’t have dogs, how do you clean up the food that’s dropped on the floor?
I just have to continue with these drinking jokes. I think they’re hilarious.😂
All I’m saying is the babysitters club made me think taking care of kids would be a lot more fun
Gum commercials exaggerate your odds of kissing a complete stranger in public by 780,000,000%
Please, pdf is my father. Call me pdf (1)
Seeing a lot of Facebook posts about kids going to school but not seeing any follow ups about them coming home, what in the damn hell is going on
I really dislike my CW, so everyday I steal a Kleenex from her desk. In about 500 days, she’s gonna be pissed.
a fun thing about getting older is all the sports injuries you get while sleeping
Barista: I have a latte for *3 second long screeching noise*
Velociraptor: Actually it’s *4 second long screeching noise* but close enough
Our new washing machine sends a text when wet laundry is ready for the dryer. I guess what I’m saying is this appliance is a snitch.
Looking for a plus one for my wedding.
Me: Shout out to all my homies!
Homies: Stop shouting at us.
saw girl I have crush on with her new fiance at Ikea but you know what they say, when God closes a Stǿrås Innjørdën he opens a Főnstǝrviviǵ
formal request for my funeral to be half open casket, with only my legs showing
Might get a Gatorade logo tattoo to symbolize my contempt for thirst.
I really think Miracle Whip lowered the bar for what constitutes a miracle.
taking lessons in close up magic so when my kids are teenagers I can “impress” all their friends
[calls 911]
Me: my wife’s been bitten by a snake
Operator: ok, suck the poison out
Me [whispering]: dude there’ll be nothing left of her
[Walks in on girlfriend on death bed]
ME: [Crying] this can’t be happening
GRIM REAPER: Dude, I can explain. She totally came on to me
[band rehearsal]
Lead singer: Are you just going to stand there holding that fruit? Where’s your tambourine?
Me: [looks down at tangerine] I may have misunderstood.
Losing your phone is the adult version of having your balloon fly away.
I just want to live in a world where stupid people don’t knock on a locked bathroom door shouting, “anyone in there?!”