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I love when shows have cops escaping jail to finish solving a murder like you broke out to go back to work 😭
just took the “what’s your social security number?” quiz on facebook
Dreams at each age:
15: one day I’ll find great love.
20: one day I’ll become a great person.
25: one day I’ll make the world great.
35: one day I’ll throw out all my Tupperware at once, and buy a bunch of different sizes but all with the same lid.
What idiot called it a driver’s test and not a Game of Cones?
Listen son, you know how you find an awesome song & you listen to it over and over again until you hate it? Well, I’m leaving your mother.
The scary thing about helping my kid with her sixth grade homework is that even though it was a long time ago I don’t remember being as bad as I am now at sixth grade.
In my trunk is a tire iron, a box of human hair, and a bottle of Grey Goose. I’m always prepared for an impromptu crime scene tampering.
[the ghost of christmas future points at my grave] finally im dead [i lay down in the grave] stop kicking me ghost im not learning anything
She : Drink responsibly..!
Me : Responsibilities are the reason why I drink.
Cop: You’re wanted for murder
Me: Ok. Who do you want me to kill?
Cop: What?
Me: Huh?
cop pulling me over: whoa whoa, where are you off to in such a hurry
me: some of your colleagues are chasing me
“Do you believe in past lives?”
I don’t even believe in the life I’m currently living.
I’m not fat. I prefer to think of myself as difficult to abduct and hard to conceal.
Oh, I just remembered. You’re boring…. and my legs work!
Someone should figure out how to turn children arguing into energy. We would be able to power the whole damn world.
Javascript is when your doctor writes you a prescription for more coffee. Everyone knows that.
18: I’m going to ask the stylist what color screams parental issues.
Me: …
Why yes, YouTube, I *did* want to watch part 5 when part 2 ended. How did you know?
The microwave really puts 1 minute into perspective, doesn’t it?
Sure you call it a college fund for your kid, yet deep in your heart you know it’s bond money.
😆this is so true
The cats activated the rainbow portal again
There’s no way I’m the only person who thinks Kristen Stewart is doing the world’s best Garfield impression.
Facebook friend: What a busy day! Aydyn had a soccer tournament and then we completely remodeled the kitchen, then we did a 20 mile bike ride and finished the day with reading 15 chapters of a book!
Me: *is impressed that I actually finished reading her post*
I run from my car all the way to the front door of McDonald’s because fitness is a lifestyle
“Kids are picking on me, Mom”
I’ll teach you how to fight, son.
“Yes!”
[Mom spreads rumors about son and ignores him for 3 days]
How many light bulbs does it take to fix a person?
Probably the slowest way to die is sloth with a knife.
I’m having a garage sale & hope people I’ve borrowed things from don’t come.