Every DJ knows the best response to a request is “yeah sure” then not play the song.
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Them: love what you do and you’ll never work a day in your life
Me: ok how can I make this apply to eating cheese?
the UK fascinates me because what sort of place can’t commit to a Prime Minister for three months but remains committed to the idea that fried blood sausage is an acceptable breakfast item for 600 years
shopping channels are insane. they be like “today we have this delightful egg peeler that can also be used as a non slip shower mat”
hey pistachios how about taken the shells off we don’t want those sweetie
I am the King of the Universe and I have a son and he occasionally appears on grilled-cheese sandwiches. #yup
Me: [giggling] who is Thor’s favorite rapper?
Wife: I don’t know, MC Hammer?
Me: oh.
Wife: [sigh] what’s wrong?
Me: nothing…I mean…why did you say I don’t know if you clearly knew the answer.
i identify as a library so can u be quiet around me pls
If you’re driving a getaway car just remember the best way to lose the cops is to ship them via the post office
I hate corporate lingo. Stuff like “core competency” or “design out the problem” or “I’m gonna need you to go ahead and do some work today”
I wonder if both Wright Brothers were behind their inventions, or it was just one & their mother yelling “Wilbur, you include your brother!”
i don’t understand the desire to rock climb. we have stairs for that now. solved problem
*whistling*
Husband: There’s blood in the entry way. What happened?
Me: I’m decorating for Halloween.
Husband: But It’s real blood.
Me: *continues whistling*
I bet the kids in Mrs. Doubtfire were surprised when found out their nanny was famous actor Robin Williams the whole time.
Ohio sounds like someone greeting a friend they didn’t expect to see then immediately realising it’s actually someone else
Turn your trip to the grocery store into a ninja challenge by shopping strictly out of other people’s carts when they’re not looking.
Never understood football. If I wanted to watch people run into each other I would just go to the mall on a Saturday.
WIFE: I just read that men are five times more likely to be struck by lightning than women.
ME *on the roof in my He-Man costume with my sword* BY THE POWER OF GRAYSKULL WHAT HONEY?
HER: I can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: I can change Becky
HER: promise?
ME: into a semi truck
This frozen meal expects me to know what wattage my microwave is like I’m some kind of wizard.
I lost my cool when I had to click on a heart three times before it would stick.
I’d probably make a lousy paramedic.
Kids be quick to tell YOU when you need something from the grocery but call THEM from the grocery and have ‘em check for you and they act like they don’t know what sausage is
me: I should probably wait to work out, I just ate
gym tour guide: how did you find the breakroom so fast
I hope you don’t feel as bloated as you look.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
“god has a plan for you” ok well i have some notes for him
formal request for my funeral to be half open casket, with only my legs showing
first my neighbor liked my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
[baby throws up all over the couch]
Cmon dude, I let you live here for free
“Go ahead caller”
Why radio DJ’s should never work a suicide hotline…
I feel like I should give my air conditioner a plaque for employee of the month.