A friend of my wife’s who lives in maine put their child in this preschool where the kids help make lunch and then before their naps they get their feet soaked in warm water and wtf do I have to do to get into this preschool?
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Doctor’s office: You’re overdue for a physical.
Me: Ok.
Dr: We recommend you getting one as soon as possible.
Me: Do I have to?
Dr: You really should get one ASAP.
Me: Ok. Fine. Schedule me for one.
Dr: The earliest appointment we have is 6 months from now.
older woman => young dude: cougar
older man => young women: manther
older man => younger men: faguar
older woman => younger women: sheetah
Don’t sell yourself short, in fact, don’t sell yourself at all. I’m pretty sure it’s illegal
I saw a homeless guy and gave him $10. A woman standing there said he’s just gonna buy drugs with it. And I said yeah but if I don’t give it to him I can’t be the 50th person to write this tweet.
I’ve decided it’s time to fall in love again.
*orders southern fried chicken sandwich with extra pickles*
My 8 year old told me a boy proposed at school and she accepted and honestly this will be her second marriage so I told her she’s going to get a reputation.
Not to get political, but gravy is a soup.
Amazon notifies me that my package arrived like it wasn’t unboxed 5 minutes ago.
[job interview]
“So do you have any questions you’d like to ask me?”
Can I wait a week until I take the drug test?
“What do you mean “He used his mind?”
“I mean he never touched the gates. He destroyed them with his mind!”
“Oh my god…we’ve got a mad telekinetic duck on our hands. Get me the president!”
Instead of onlyfans I spend all my money on onlyfood
I started this account 7 years ago today. I just want to thank all of you for reading my stuff and never showing up to my house.
Bit into a beautiful looking strawberry, but it was actually rotten
Anyway, thought of you
I’m so glad I cleaned the house so the kids have a clean canvas to drop their stuff everywhere.
If you add up everyone murdered in BBC crime dramas, there are actually only 40 people still living in the UK
Cheers to all who skipped that one dish at Thanksgiving because you just didn’t trust the person who brought it.
ME: I wish I could fix this problem
SOLUTION TO MY PROBLEM: Hey there-
ME: [avoiding eye contact] If only there was a way…
Let’s play the Rihanna drinking game! We’ll drink a shot of vodka every time she says ‘work’.
[2 minutes later]
*house is on fire*
Judge: I’d like to call recess.
Defense Attorney: *running with hands in air* I call the slide!
Bailiff: *still zipping coat* Wait for me.
[phone rings]
“Hello?”
Hi, is your refrigerator running?
“WTF?”
…well Hillary is! Hi, I’d like to talk to you about the Clinton campaign.
What does it mean when you’re flirting with a guy and he’s just crying and holding up a crucifix?
I feel it
Who’s soul do I have to sell in order for my eyeliner to come out even on both eyes?
Parenting pro-tip: don’t own nice shit.
Dads, don’t tell your daughters they are “pretty”. Tell them they’re strong. Tell them they’re smart. Tell them they can’t be prosecuted for theft until they’re 10.
“What’s your name?”
“Sharky.”
“Is that your real name?”
“Does it matter?”
“I guess not.”
*hands me my order*
when you and your sibling have to pretend to like each other long enough for mom to take the picture
Grandmother clock.
After the machine uprising, robots in the club will dance “The Human” by compulsively overeating and playing with their phones on the toilet