the worst part of facing the final boss in any video game is when he makes you fill out the self-evaluation portion of your performance review beforehand
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Blood is thicker than water, but rhinoceros poop is thicker than blood, so..
ME: *takes wife’s hand* you know I’ve wanted to have children for 3 years
WIFE: And I’ve told you *removes hand and sits back* we have to keep them forever
Carrying around a lot of guilt for some of the recommendations I made when I worked at blockbuster in 1997.
I really hate it when I have to go to work because my abundant wealth doesn’t exist.
Why are you being weird about how we made eye contact and both smiled and then I took the form of an actual bat and chased you for 11 miles
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
if you’re a young person, ask a middle-aged man what music they listened to in the 90s. let them talk for 30 mins. act interested and say “oh wow no way that’s so cool.” after that you can ask them for any favor
Remember that time when we got trapped on a ski-lift for 4 days, then the acid wore off and we were just sitting on my grandmas porch-swing.
God I hate these crossword puzzles
Does anyone know a 3 letter word for “Father”?
Penguins can’t fly either but pigs are the ones who got famous for their inadequacies
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha with an inspirational text like:
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa”
Me: And when there was only one set of-
Jesus: Dude, just tell the cops there were TWO sets of footprints in the sand!
The FedEx guy said I look like a sexy pirate. I’m not sure if that’s considered sexual harassment or flirting.
1886: We invented a car!
1903: We invented a plane!
1969: We went to the moon!
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2015: Taco Emoji!
ME: u know what they say, drink with one eye open
WIFE: they don’t say that, you’re drunk
ME: *closes other eye* it is very dark in here
Claiming that someone else’s marriage is against ur religion is like being angry at someone for eating a donut because ur on a diet.
*Rubs lamp*
*Nothing happens*
Where’s the genie?
*Takes off lampshade*
What’s wrong with this thing?
Between my boy tucking his shirt in his shorts & my girl wearing socks w/ sandals I’m confident I won’t ever have to talk to them about sex.
My favorite part of riding an elevator is staring at my phone while avoiding eye contact with the person I just tried to close the doors on.
The difference between just buying your teenage son some food on the way home and texting him to ask what he wants is approximately $30.
My favorite part of the gym is leaving. And girls in stretch pants.
My dogs would be happier if I spent more time walking them and less time folding their ears inside out.
[wakes up screaming]
HER: you’re safe now, what was the dream?
ME: I was on a diet
Apparently coming to the Easter egg hunt dressed like the playboy bunny was not appropriate.
According to the group of firemen in our floor’s breakroom… my microwave popcorn is burnt
As we lie in bed at 4am I know you’re looking at me thinking you’ve struck gold. Your hand reaches towards me and I slap it away from the cheese that just fell onto my chest.
“No” I shout through a mouthful of cold pizza “mine”
I will turn off your post-apocalyptic movie the first time I spot a woman with shaved pits
Maybe we should put monkeys in charge for a while just to see how it goes.
Some girl I don’t even know has been telling people that I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship.
in the song “the final countdown” they do not actually count down, thus invalidating the basis of the song. furthermore,