me: are you telling me how to raise my children?
necromancer: trying to, yeah
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Me: I think you’re going to be sick tonight.
My 9yo: *eating their fifth dinner* Why do you think that?
the hulk is green because he’s not ripe yet
GF says my bike helmet looks ridiculous, but I’d rather be “uncool” than fall and crack my head open in the middle of having sex.
Yes I can speak a foreign language if you count when I talk about the 80s in front of my nephews.
*first date*
Guy: I like a girl who’s good with money
Me: the city will bury you for FREE if they can’t identify your body
professor x: what’s your super power
owl: terrible memory
professor x: that’s not usef- you can talk!?
owl: who
Cop: Any drugs or alcohol?
Me: No thanks officer, I have everything that I need.
*pulls away from kissing*
Me: Please insert 2oz of cheese to continue.
ME: thanks for “showing me the ropes” lol
SAILING INSTRUCTOR: you’re not even making a joke sailing is literally where that comes from
Me: Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.
Minister: That’s not really appropriate for wedding vows.
My neighbor just snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a dead body is not as easy as you think.
I’ll usually order the chicken sandwich. I like my food to be more cowardly than I am.
Someone at work sent an email that said “happy Monday” so I’m going to HR.
What I say: “Agree to disagree”
What I really mean: “You are dumb and I will allow you to stay that way”
I always carry a red Sharpie on me in case I have to draw blood.
[last day of creative writing class]
“are u ready to name ur band?”
Dave Matthews: u bet i am
Cat owners aren’t lazy. They’re just often paralyzed for hours because the supreme ruler of the house is sleeping on their lap.
Hormonal teenage daughter: Where do you want to be buried?
Me: You mean after I die, right?
Unfortunately a recent breakthrough in therapy means I must say goodbye to my comfort swords, my acceptance machete, and my protection bomb.
interviewer: do you feel like you have grown as a person?
me: ok well I was literally like a foot tall when I was born
Me: I’ll remember this verification code and don’t need to write it down.
Me two seconds later: Oh no!
[outside a blazing house]
Firefighter: …
Me: …
Firefighter: …
Me: … There was a spider.
I’m not mad at Bezos for going into space. I’m mad at him for coming back.
I made £40,000 in one day using a simple trick. Send me £2,000 and I’ll tell you how I did it
I cannot stop laughing. Bungalow.
I’m going out to dinner at a fancy restaurant tonight and my husband texted me the menu so I can “plan all my questions for the waiter in advance.”
This is a friendly reminder to go drink water you dehydrated bean
Everyone at my funeral gets a stun gun. The last person standing gets all my stuff.
me: i dont want any kids
person: *low chuckle* oh, you’ll change your mind.
me: *grabs them by collar* tell me more about the future, wizard
Me: *sobbing* I’m a mess without you
Him: Ma’am pull around to the window, you’ll get your donuts in a minute