Potatoes are used to make vodka. Also, potatoes are technically vegetables. The point I’m trying to make is, you do a juice cleanse your way, and I’ll do one my way.
You Might Also Like
DATE: my eyes are up here
ME: [imediately looking up from their dog] sorry
When life hits you hard, smile back at it and say: You hit like a girl.
While I was out picketing my dog unlocked a new skill and figured out how to steal the cat’s food so now he doesn’t get a midday snack because he already HAD one so now everybody at my house is mad and that is why this strike needs to end, your honor.
My friend asked for suggestions for something short and funny to watch so I suggested my 12yo son.
*Jesus multiplies a loaf of bread for the masses*
From the back: Actually I’m gluten free now.
Jesus: ughhh, someone get me a fish
Everybody’s partner buys a new vacuum cleaner when the filter gets dirty, right? Just mine?
Remember when we thought “Any kid can grow up to be President” was a good thing?
flight attendant: sir, are you raising your hand
me: how do i access the wifi
fa: im doing safety announcements
me: is that lowercase
Dad: You spent $750 for a college class on human anatomy? Do you think we’re MADE OF MONEY??
Me: Not anymore
[talent show audition]
Me: *pressing lips to mic* I’m a coroner by day and a ventriloquist by night
Judge: whose lips are those?
Pro tip:
Ask your boss if you can go home early since you’re not going to do anything anyways.
I didn’t say you’re dumber than rocks I said you’re dumber than A rock. That’s an important distinction because if you put enough of the right kinds of rocks together and heat them you can make a computer.
I beat my personal best for competitive eating today, scoffing 34 hot dogs, including buns in under 15 minutes.
I don’t suppose I’ll be invited to any more of next doors’ BBQs, however.
Many people are surprised to hear I’m married because I scream it at them as I descend from their broken skylight in the dead of night.
My son just said he’s going to call me “Squishy” to match my stomach and now I need to have another kid just so I can have a favorite
Sometimes Jesus appears on toast, sometimes pancakes, sometimes waffles. Always on breakfast food. Why? It’s the most important meal.
If the murder robots look like wall•e I will betray all of you
Me: Do you want to meet your sisters at the bus stop?
5: *doesn’t look up* I already know them.
If I was a ghost, pottery wouldn’t be the first thing I do.
y’all, my friend who’s a huge Elon Musk fanboy was just like “Ubers are so expensive, I wish we had bigger cars so you could put more people in them and when you split the cost it’s cheaper.” so that’s just a bus congratulations you invented buses
God: Oh heck, I dropped my newest spider in the ocean
Octopus: I’m cool with this, actually
Therapist: tell me your dreams
Me: cheese
Therapist: no your weird dreams
Me: still cheese
Therapist: ok, your sexy dreams
Me: kinky cheese?
[i walk in and hang my hat on the hook, visibly dejected]
wife: how did the interview go?!
me: terrible
wife: what? did you get a chance to show them your biggest strength?
me: yeah. guess they aren’t fans of the tickle monster
My 4yo is asserting dominance by calling me by my full name. I don’t like where this is going
If I’m napping in my car, don’t wake me up
unless I’m driving
Hey baby, do you like tan lines? Because I fell asleep with a badminton racquet on my face again and
My friend is so frugal if he starts dreaming good he wakes up so as to not spend it all at one time.
LIFE HACK: solve every murder mystery by being the murderer
Betrayal Treasury, Age 5:
Instead of ice cream after my tonsillectomy, a lime popsicle, the texture of which I do not enjoy.
Schools: Children need consistency and routine
Also schools: Daily class times will be the lucky numbers from your fortune cookie